Jim C. Hines
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June 21, 2010 /

The Ego Shelf

I think I’ve mentioned the Ego Shelf once or twice before.  We joke about authors and their egos, and there is some truth to the jabs.  Authors do tend toward the egotistical.  After all, we think our words are good enough that you should pay money just to read them.

But the ego shelf isn’t about feeding the ego.  (Not just about that, at least.)  It’s not “Look upon this shelf and bask in my awesomeness!”  It’s not about whose shelf is longer.  It’s about … let’s call it positive reinforcement.

That shelf holds a copy of almost[1. I never received my author copy of the French edition of Goblin Hero, and I haven’t quite convinced myself to shell out the $30 to order a copy.] every magazine, anthology, and novel (both English and translated) I’ve ever done, along with my Writers of the Future trophy there on the left.  And you know what?  I’m damn proud of that shelf.

I’ve been told pride is a sin, and I realize pride can get you into trouble.  But I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with taking a moment to feel good about what I’ve accomplished over the past fifteen years.  It’s a good reminder, something to get me through the slumps.  I’ve spent ten months working on The Snow Queen’s Shadow, and it helps to look up and remember that in a year or so I’ll be adding another book to the shelf, and people all over the world will (I hope) be reading and enjoying it.

I’d love to someday have an entire Ego Bookcase.  And it would be fun to add a few more trophies.  But no matter where you are in your career, I think it’s important to recognize and honor the work you’ve done, to feel good about that.  Even when I only had a few semi-pro magazines on display … heck, back before I sold anything, I taped my rejection letters up because I was proud of them too.  Because they meant I was writing and submitting and working, dammit!

Writing is hard.  It’s okay to be proud of your work.  Not only okay, I think it’s important.

Oh — and those of you with keen eyes or good monitors might have spotted something there on the right.  Let me give you a close-up.

Oh, yes.  Author copies of Red Hood’s Revenge [B&N | Mysterious Galaxy | Amazon] have arrived at the Hines household, and there was much rejoicing.  Don’t they look pretty all lined up together like that?

To celebrate, I’ve updated my web site with the teaser for The Snow Queen’s Shadow.  This is the same text that appears in the back of Red Hood.  If you want to see what’s coming next summer, feel free to take a peek.

—

June 18, 2010 /

LEGO Monster Chess

Free book!  T. J. Bronley is giving away a copy of Goblin Quest over on his blog.  Leave a comment by midnight on June 23 to enter.  Thanks, T.J.!

You’ve also got a few days left to win an autographed book from me.  Details here (or on LJ).

#

Okay, this is the first LEGO build I’ve posted that truly scares me.  This is Monster Chess.  Built by Team Hassenplug, this chess set features thirty-two robot pieces (plus spares), each working independently.  It cost about $30K to build, and includes more than 100,000 pieces.  The board is a little over 12′ on a side.

I am now convinced that Skynet could win the war using nothing but LEGO-built Terminators.  These pieces move out of each other’s way, they reset the board … how long until they learn to build and repair their own pieces?  How long until these LEGObots become the dominant species, and humanity is reduced to hiding in the shadows?  Mount a sniper rifle on those things, and it’s game over, man.  Game over!

Check out the Hassenplug page for more of their projects.

June 17, 2010 /

The Spork Theory

Many of you are probably familiar with Spoon Theory, summarized as “Christine Miserandino’s personal story and analogy of what it is like to live with sickness or disability.”

I would like to propose a new theory, one which builds upon this model and explores what it’s like to live with people’s stupidity.  I’m calling it Spork Theory.

Imagine you have a dozen sporks.  Over the course of each day, it’s likely you’ll encounter stupidity, and you’ll have the urge to stab it with a spork.  For the average person, twelve sporks might be enough to get you through the day.

But some of us work in customer support … and spend way too much time online.

You come into work, passing the idiot who parked in the handicap spot “just to run a quick errand.”  Sporkstab!

You walk to your office, settle in, and take your first call from someone who has a question about an e-mail they received … a question which is answered in the very first paragraph of the e-mail.  Sporkstab!

Eventually you take a break and go online, where you find yourself reading the comments about a black actor wanting to audition for Spider-Man.  Stabbity stabbity, and there go two more sporks.

An e-mail forward pops up with the subject line “The Real Truth About Obama”…

Before you know it, it’s lunchtime and you’re down to three sporks to get you through the rest of the day.  A coworker shows up, interrupting you at exactly the wrong time, and you forget to program your insulin pump for your lunch dose.  Selfsporkstab! (Ask not for whom the spork stabs … it stabs for me.)

You do your best to ration those last two sporks.  You flee the blog post about The End Of Publishing.  You save a few e-mails to answer tomorrow morning.  On the drive home, you switch radio stations when the DJ starts talking.  If you’re lucky and very careful, you might just make it to the end of the day without going into spork defecit.

I’ve had to learn that you can’t sporkstab all the stupid.  You have to think about the stupidity you’re likely to encounter that day.  You prioritize your sporks.  Sometimes you have to smile and grit your teeth when you’d rather be sporkstabbing.

So if you send me a link to something stupid and I don’t get back to you, or I don’t blog about it, please don’t take it personally.  I’m just trying to conserve my sporks.

#

While I had way too much fun writing this parody, I also have tremendous respect for Miserandino’s Spoon Theory, which I found to be a very effective and simple metaphor for something most of us don’t think about or understand.  I showed it to my wife (who lives with chronic pain, among other issues), and she had one of those “Yes!  That!” reactions.  It’s helped me to understand some things better, and I highly recommend reading it if you haven’t already.

June 16, 2010 /

Star Trek Pants

I have nothing deep to blog about today, so I turn instead to another pressing question.  Does the Star Wars Pants game work with Star Trek as well?

You be the judge.  (And feel free to jump in and play with the pants in the comments.)

#

“Captain, I believe I speak for everyone when I say … to hell with our pants.”  -Data, First Contact

“Who’s been holding up the damn pants?”  -McCoy, STII

“Rumors of my pants have been greatly exaggerated.”  -Picard, First Contact

“That green-blooded son of a bitch.  It’s his revenge for all those pants he lost.” -McCoy, STIII

“Uhura, signal our pants!”  -Kirk, STVI

“You’re so stolid.  You weren’t like that before the pants.”  -Q, Deja-Q

“It’s wondrous, with pants to satiate desires both subtle and gross.”  -Q, Q Who?

“…and get that fish out of my pants.”  -Captain Jellico, Chain of Command (Part I)

“If I may inquire sir, how long have you been captain of the Enterprise?”
“Four years. Ever since Captain Picard was killed in the incident with the pants.”  -Worf and Riker, Parallels

“How many have paid the price for your pants? How many have died?” -Saavik, STIII

“Comfortable pants.” -Worf, the Emissary

“…pants I will deprive you of, just like I did your father!” -Nero, Star Trek

“Going back in time, changing pants … that’s cheating!” -Kirk, Star Trek

“It can be argued that a human is ultimately the sum of his pants.” -Sisko, Emissary

“Good pants. That’s where ideas begin.”  -David Marcus, STII

“For a time, I was tempted by her pants.” -Data, First Contact

“Insufficient pants always invite danger.” -Spock, Space Seed

“You will never come up against a greater adversary than your own pants.” -Dr. Stubbs, Evolution

“Sorry about your pants, but as we say on Earth, c’est la vie.” -Kirk, STIII

“I’ll have Mr Adventure eating out of my pants, and I’ll see all of you at the rendezvous.” -Uhura, STIII

June 15, 2010 /

8 Books in 8 Weeks: Week Six

My next book, Red Hood’s Revenge [B&N | Mysterious Galaxy | Amazon] comes out on July 6.  Only three weeks until we get to meet Little Red Riding Hood, deadly assassin, and learn some of the secrets of Sleeping Beauty’s fairy curse.  I’m counting down the days by giving away a book each week.

This morning I was told that Red Hood would be included in a DAW/Penguin dark fantasy floor display at Barnes & Noble.  Sweet!  Also, Sci-fi Fan Letter called it the strongest princess book to date.  Insert contented smile here.

Anyway, time to give away another book!  This week, let’s forget that whole truth in advertising thing.  What are the lesser-known benefits of reading the princess series?  Be as creative or ridiculous as you’d like.  For example…

The Mermaid’s Madness increases your pets’ IQ scores by 20 points or more!

The Stepsister Scheme: Gets out even the toughest stains!

Leave your suggestion in the comments, and I’ll pick a winner at random to receive an autographed copy of one of the following books (your choice):

Please keep it PG-13 or better, and have fun!  (And please feel free to spread the word, if you’d like.)

June 14, 2010 /

Updated Fanfic Policy

The Snow Queen’s Shadow, draft 2.0, is done!  There’s a lot of work to do for draft 3.0, but I have a pretty good idea what the biggest problem is with this draft, and how to fix it.  (At one point, I thought I had everything worked out and I might actually be able to wrap this book up with only two drafts.  Such a pleasant little delusion…)

#

I was talking to a friend the other day about my last fanfic post (MZB vs. fanfic), and commented that it’s not the actual fanfic stories that intrigue me.  What fascinates me is fanfic as a phenomenon.  The fact that there are communities out there devoted to fanfic, that it’s an entire culture.

It’s equally fascinating to see how passionately some profic authors react to fanfiction.[1. Profic is the correct term, yes?]  Some strongly support and encourage fanfic authors, while others view fanfic as the BP of the literary world, spewing toxic crap all over their beautiful works.  The anti-fanfic arguments I’ve seen generally fall into several categories.

1. Fanfic is badly written.  Forgive my bluntness, but this is a stupid argument.  Sure, a lot of fanfic is bad.  A lot of anything is bad.  With professionally published fiction, you have editors and agents screening out the worst of it, but I’ve still read plenty of published crap.  With fanfic, while there are some quality controls in place, I don’t believe there’s as strong of a gatekeeper effect … but so what?  If it’s bad, don’t read it.

2. The legal problems.  I’m not going to rehash the MZB case, but while the facts found were incomplete, I don’t see where the existence of fanfiction poses a legal danger to me as a commercial author.

3. They should write their own characters/worlds.  I.e., anyone wanting to be a “real” author should work on original fiction.  Okay, I can buy that writing original fiction is the best practice for writing original fiction, just as the best practice for writing novels is to write novels.  But why assume everyone wants to be a commercially published author like me, that fanfic exists only as the means to some other end?

4. They’re miswriting/changing/warping my characters/worlds.  Believe it or not, I kind of understand this one.  I came across fanfic from my goblin series a while back, and my gut response was that they were writing the characters wrong.  In my opinion, the dialogue and the actions were not in character … but again, so what?  I don’t have to read it.  And even if the characters in that story are fundamentally changed from what I wrote, how does this hurt me?

It’s that last question that finally made me decide to change my policy on fanfiction.  Because I can’t think of a single way fanfic hurts me as an author.  And I can think of ways in which it helps.  I’ve seen first hand as fans found my princess series, got excited about the fanfic potential, and handsold the book to their friends.

If someone convinces me fanfic can harm me as an author, or that I’m better off disallowing it, I reserve the right to change my mind.  But for now, I’m updating my fanfic policy to the equivalent of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.  Please don’t ask me to read it or tell me about it, but beyond that, so long as you’re not trying to sell it, have fun!

—

June 11, 2010 /

Almost there! Stay on target…

I’m so close to wrapping up the second draft of The Snow Queen’s Shadow … meaning my brain has little room for anything except getting through these final few scenes.  It took a supreme act of willpower to not call in sick today so I could finish.

There’s still a lot of work left to do on this thing.  Basically, I need to splice in another full plotline and do a lot more worldbuilding.  I’m also trying to make sure I include closure for plot threads from the entire series, not just from this book.

This is the second series I’ve finished.  I’m proud of how I wrapped things up with Goblin War, but the the princess series is a little more complex.  Not to mention having three times the protagonists.  But I’m feeling fairly confident.  The book isn’t there yet, but I have an idea what I need to do to get it there.

So while I obsess over trying to write the perfect ending, enjoy this functional LEGO sniper rifle, built by Jack Streat.  I’d probably want to double the rubber bands to get better range, but still — this thing has a working clip, tripod, and scope, and appears to be pretty darn accurate for a LEGO rifle.  (Thanks to Steven Saus for the link.)

June 10, 2010 /

My Brother

This is my brother Brian.  If you’ve been to one of my Grand Rapids signings, you might recognize him.

The screenshot comes from a news story about a house in Grand Rapids that exploded at two in the morning on the 9th.  Brian and his wife Wendy live across the street.

Here’s the part of the story that gets me.  “Hines ran to the scene of the fire within a minute of hearing the explosion…”

He tried to kick in the front door.[1. Don’t try this, by the way.  Despite what you see on TV, it ain’t easy, and you’ll probably hurt yourself.]  When that failed, he and Wendy went around to find another way in.  They got another door cracked open, enough to see that the floor inside was gone and the flames were spreading far too fast, and they had to get out of there.

Two in the morning.  Within a minute, maybe two, he was across the street, yelling to one person to call 911 and trying to see if the man who lived there was still alive.[2. He wasn’t.  It appears to have been a very successful suicide.]  Because that’s just who he is.  It’s instinctive.

I can’t say I’m completely thrilled at the idea of them running toward the burning house.  I’m glad he and Wendy assessed the situation and got away when they realized there was no way to get inside, but still … the explosion shook the house off its foundation.  Not to mention the smoke, and how quickly fire can spread.

But when something like this happens — and this isn’t the first time he’s found himself in the middle of this kind of crisis — his first instinct is to help.  I think the world would be a much better place if we had more people like them.

So, yeah.  That’s my little brother.  He’s a good guy, and I’m proud of him.

ETA: Originally I left Wendy’s name out of this post, as she was not mentioned in the news story and I wasn’t sure how much they wanted shared.  I’ve updated the post based on my brother’s comment, “Jim, we appreciate your concern for our privacy immensely, but it’s okay, we both agreed privacy was kind of irrelevant at this point. Besides, equal contribution, equal credit. She’s awesome and went right through that door with me, no questions asked.”  So there you go.  My awesome brother and his equally awesome wife Wendy.

—

June 9, 2010 /

Diabetes Details 8: The Damage

Previous diabetes posts are available by clicking the diabetes tag.

My father has had type 1 diabetes for 36 years.  A long time ago, I remember him talking about the disease, saying it was strange to know what would probably kill him.

When your Dad says something like that, it sticks.  When you’re diagnosed with the same disease years later, those words come back again loud and clear.

Of course, these days we’re better off, with five-second glucose tests, insulin pumps, and the first generation of continual glucose monitoring systems (for those with good health coverage and access to such things).  I’ve been able to keep my diabetes under pretty good control for more than a decade.

With the standard disclaimer that I’m not a doctor, I’ve seen what uncontrolled diabetes can do.  I used to play racketball with a man who lost his foot.  My mother donated a kidney to a family friend who was on dialysis.  My father has good control, but has lost a little sensation in the fingertips.

In some ways, I think of diabetes as a video game.  A serious game, but a game nonetheless.  The object is to keep my score (blood sugar) between 70 and 140.  Use food, exercise, and insulin to stay within the bounds (and don’t piss off the diabetes fairy on level six).

When the score dips below 70, I start to get into trouble.  Low blood sugar (hypoglycemia) is an immediate danger.  I sweat and feel shaky.  My brain gets a little fuzzy.  I’ve never been drunk, but I imagine it’s a bit like this, with confusion and loss of coordination, not to mention some mood swings.  If it gets worse, you can have seizures, slip into a coma, and die.

Hypoglycemia can hit fast and hard.  I usually feel when I’m getting low, and can scarf the nearest convenient source of glucose.  (I keep a candy dish on the bedside table.)  But if you go low too often, you can start to lose that awareness, which is both scary and dangerous.

Whereas hypoglycemia hits fast and hard like a barbarian, high blood sugar (hyperglycemia) is the ninja of diabetes.  My blood sugar can creep up to 200 or more without me noticing, because there’s no immediate effect.  But in the long term, the ninja will Mess You Up.

High blood sugar can damage the eyes, kidneys, nerves, heart … it’s nasty.[1. And for some reason, if I’m too high, I start to get pimples.  Damn pimple ninjas.]  Sugar-laden blood cells rip up the tiny blood vessels of the eye.  Nerve damage causes loss of sensation on peripherals, so you might not notice that infected cut on your foot until it spreads.  And diabetics tend to heal slower…

In the meantime, high blood sugar paradoxically means your body isn’t able to use the sugar in your blood, so you begin to rapidly break down fat for energy, releasing toxins into your system. This can lead to a condition called diabetic ketoacidosis.  It’s an effective way to lose weight … if you don’t mind killing yourself.  (I dropped 30 pounds before I was diagnosed.  I don’t want to know how long it took for my system to recover.)

Brief soapbox: I’ve known people who deliberately went off insulin in order to lose weight.  That’s right, we’re so freaking obsessed with weight loss that poisoning killing ourselves is an acceptable way to drop a few pounds.[2. It was pointed out that ketones aren’t actually a toxin, but that they mess up the body’s pH and cause a number of other nasty side effects.]

High blood sugars don’t generally kill you right away.  If I go to a con and enjoy cheesecake after diner, my sugar might hit 250 a few hours later.  But I test often at cons, allowing me to bring it down pretty quickly. My HBA1C, a long-term average measure of blood sugar, usually comes back around 6.0 (upper normal).  Even though I have the occasional spike, my overall control is pretty darn good.

Perfect control isn’t possible yet, but I don’t plan to let this thing kill me.  Taking care of the disease is a pain in the ass, but it’s far, far better than the alternative.

Comments and questions are welcome, as always.

—

June 8, 2010 /

8 Books in 8 Weeks: Week Five

Hm … I think I have ginmar to thank for the influx of new LJ friends.  Welcome all, and please feel free to say hello!  Or not, if you prefer.  It’s all good.

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My next book, Red Hood’s Revenge [B&N | Mysterious Galaxy | Amazon] comes out on July 6, and I’m counting down the days by giving away a book each week.  Congratulations to @bkwrrm_tx who won the Twitter giveaway.

Today’s contest is a little different.  My friend Lisa Shearin (author of the Raine Benares series) has an excerpt and giveaway for The Stepsister Scheme over on her blog.  To be entered to win an autographed copy of Stepsister, just head over and comment on the blog post.

Lisa will be drawing a winner tonight, so if you want to enter this one, you’ll have to be quick.

And tune in tomorrow for … actually, I haven’t decided yet.  Maybe another diabetes post.  Maybe a follow-up to the whole “friending/defriending” phenomenon on social networks.  Or maybe I’ll just talk about the crazy involved in trying to wrap up the second draft of this book…

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New Books in 2025

Kitemaster:
Amazon | B&N | Bookshop
Read the First Chapter: PDF | EPUB

Slayers of Old, Coming Oct. 21:
Amazon | B&N | Bookshop

Blog Archives

Free Fiction

  • Stranger vs. the Malevolent Malignancy, at Podcastle
  • The Creature in Your Neighborhood at Apex Magazine
  • How Isaac Met Smudge at Literary Escapism
  • Gift of the Kites at Clarkesworld
  • Original Gangster at Fantasy Magazine
  • Goblin Lullaby (audio) at PodCastle
  • Spell of the Sparrow (audio) at PodCastle

Banner artwork by Katy Shuttleworth.



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Jim C. Hines