Yes, I’ve got a bit of a theme going on the blog this week. Today I was feeling rather snarky, and decided to translate some of the dismissive, minimizing, and flat-out insulting responses you often hear when talking about sexual harassment.

“Boys will be boys.” – I believe that anyone with a penis has a God-given right to harass and assault others.

“They don’t mean anything by it.” – Yay, I can read minds! Also, intention is more important that results. On a totally unrelated note, I’m sorry I backed over your child in the parking lot, but I didn’t mean to do it, so no harm done, right?

“Oh, he’s just lacking in social skills.” – He’s spent years working on skills like finding and isolating victims, intimidating them, dodging blame, and convincing twits like me to defend him.

“But he’s such a nice guy!” – I live in a fantasy world where rapists and harassers have goatees and eyepatches and are named Rapist McScumbag and wear blinking nametags proclaiming their twisted predilections for all to see.

“It’s a compliment!” – I have no idea what the word “compliment” really means.

“They’re probably just autistic or something.” – Autistics are completely incapable of learning rules or boundaries, and I have special powers that let me diagnose people as autistic despite my utter lack of training or experience. (See my previous rant on this one.)

“You should have ripped his nuts off!” – You’re a failure because you’re not a badass like me. Did I ever tell you how I totally would have choked the Central Park Rapist to death with his own genitals? Man, if I’d been in Iraq, I’d have punched Saddam right in the nutsack. I watch MMA every night, so don’t screw with me!

“Why are you being such a bitch about this?” – Women are supposed to shut up and accept whatever guys do to them. What the hell are you doing out of the kitchen, anyway?

“He’s just being friendly.” – I’m sure he grabs, gropes, ogles, and harasses all his friends! Also, I have no idea what “friendly” means, either. Words are hard. Would someone please buy me a freaking dictionary?!!

“Why do you have to get all PC about everything?” – My political party embraces sexual harassment and assault! Vote Douchebag in 2012!

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Prior posts:
Supporting Victims of Sexual Harassment
Sexual Harassment: Bystander Intervention

Following up on yesterday’s post, one of the biggest challenges to ending sexual harassment is getting bystanders to speak up and intervene. It’s easy enough to think about what we would have done after the fact. When Jaym Gates wrote about the “WFC Creeper” from World Fantasy Con this year, I kept going over various things I could have said and done had I been there.

But it’s different when you’re in the moment. What if I’m misreading the situation? What if saying something only escalates the problem? Nobody else is speaking up, so maybe I’m the only one who’s getting a bad vibe. I’m not a terribly large or physically imposing person … is there really anything I can do?

It can be hard to think when you’re in the moment, which is one of the reasons I want to think and talk about it now. This isn’t an area where I have any formal training or experience, so I picked some brains while putting this list together.

1. Addressing the harasser. Sometimes someone is simply clueless and genuinely doesn’t get that what they’re doing is unwanted and unacceptable. Say you see someone at a signing who squees and sidles into a chair, wrapping him/herself around his/her favorite author. Sometimes all it takes is pulling that person aside and saying, “Look, I know you’re excited, but that’s not cool. It’s creepy.”

2. Is everything okay here? Another fairly straightforward option is to simply check in and ask if everything’s okay. If both parties say yes, then life is good. But if someone is being harassed and says no, or if they simply don’t answer in the affirmative, then you stick around. Now the harasser is outnumbered. Maybe you offer a way out. I’ve used the “Hey, are you ready for the next panel?” bit to help extricate friends from awkward conversations before, and that sort of thing could work here as well. starcat_jewel  and jennygadget suggested questions like “Excuse me, what time is it?” or “Do you happen to know where _____ is?” Both questions insert another person into the conversation in a safe, nonconfrontational way, and asking about directions gives the victim an excuse to say, “Sure, let me show you…”

3. Strength in numbers. If I go up to some guy and tell him to stop grabbing and groping everyone, then it’s a one-on-one situation, and there’s a chance it’s going to escalate. So I grab a few friends first. I suspect most harassers are much less likely to escalate when they’re outnumbered four-to-one.

4. Voice > Muscle. I love working with new students at karate when they ask about stopping bullies or strangers, especially people bigger than they are. I have them play the part of the bad guy and come at me, and right when they’re about to lay hands on me, I drop to the ground with my hands and feet up to protect myself and shout, “NO! STRANGER! BULLY!” On one occasion, the poor kid levitated halfway to the door in fright. Now I’m not saying this is always the best response, but a loud voice attracts attention. If you project from the gut, a firm, “Dude, she said no!” should draw the attention of half the room. At that point, numbers are once again on your side.

5. Report it. I’m struggling with this one. We’re always pressuring victims to report, but that should be their choice, not one I make for them. One option is to talk to the victim and offer to go with them to report it. Another option, if I see something that makes me uncomfortable, is for me to report it to Ops or whoever’s organizing the event. Not to say “Hey, badge number 123 was groping [NAME], and she looked uncomfortable,” but maybe “Badge number 123 is getting sexually aggressive and not respecting people’s boundaries, and it’s making the party/panel/whatever really uncomfortable for me and a lot of other people.” At the very least, that alerts the con staff to the problem, allowing them to take further steps if necessary.

6. Be Aware of Gender Issues. While men sexually harassing women is most common, harassers are not exclusively male, nor are victims exclusively female. Don’t be afraid to speak up just because the gender dynamics don’t match your expectations. Also, men are often more likely to listen to other men, making it that much more important for us to speak up.

7. Ass-kicking. This is the one a lot of people talk about. “We just need to get some big, burly guys to kick his ass!” And the problem may escalate to the point where physical intervention is required. But physical intervention should be a last resort, and it’s much better to let security or the police handle this whenever possible unless you want to risk ending up in a) the hospital or b) jail. See also rachelmanija‘s post “Why Didn’t You Kick Him in the Balls?”

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As I noted, I’m not an expert here. I’d love it if others could share thoughts and suggestions. For those with first-hand experience, what have you seen that worked, and what didn’t?

SF/F fandom (and society in general) hasn’t always been very supportive of victims of sexual harassment, particularly when the harasser is a big name or someone in a position of power. Those who choose to speak out are often mocked, belittled, threatened, accused of being publicity-whores, or worse. Even people who want to be supportive might not know what to say or do.

So with the help of some friends, I’ve put together a list of ideas about what to do and what not to do if you want to avoid looking like a dick and actually support those who have been sexually harassed.

1. Don’t Make Excuses. At the 2006 Worldcon, Harlan Ellison grabbed Connie Willis’ breast on stage. Time after time, I saw people jumping in to defend him by saying, “Oh, that’s just Harlan.” That’s a bullshit excuse, right up there with “Boys will be boys,” and “Oh, he didn’t mean any harm.” It’s not your job to excuse, justify, or defend the behavior, especially if you weren’t even present. By doing so, you’re basically saying, “I don’t care about your feelings or what this person did to you; I’m more worried about protecting the person who harassed you.”

2. Don’t Minimize. In one of my posts about sexual harassment, a commenter talked about how she was expecting a bunch of overly sensitive PC whiners who couldn’t take a joke. Don’t be that person. If you’re not the one being harassed, then what the hell gives you the right to judge and tell someone else they’re overreacting?

3. Don’t Immediately Run Off to “Kick his Ass!” Believe me, I understand the urge. When I hear someone has harassed and hurt one of my friends, I want to do something. I want to punish the harasser. I want to teach him (or her) to never pull that shit again … do you notice how all of these sentences start with “I”? How I’m talking about what I want and need, not what the person who was harassed is asking for? It’s more helpful to offer to be that person’s backup: to accompany them if they want to confront the person, or to tell them you’ve got their back during the convention or event.

4a. Don’t be Afraid to Intervene. If you see something that looks like harassment, say something. Interrupt and ask, “Hey, is everything okay here?” Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it can be embarassing if it turns out nothing was going on. But which risk would you rather take: that you might feel a little foolish, or that you’re turning your back and allowing someone to continue harassing another person? I’ll be saying more about intervention in my next post.

4b. Don’t be Afraid to Call Your Friends on their Shit. If you know your friend is harassing people, then for God’s sake, call him (or her) on it. Be harsh. Be blunt. Because your friend might actually listen to you. By staying silent, you are enabling and tacitly allowing that person to continue harassing others.

5. Don’t Try to Speak For Someone Else. When I was at World Fantasy last year, I ended up talking to multiple people about a certain editor who had sexually harassed them. It wasn’t my place to disclose their names or the name of the editor. I did end up writing a blog post with names removed, figuring since this was a common behavior, there was no way to identify the people who had spoken with me. Some of those people still felt that I had violated their confidentiality. Reporting sexual harassment or going public is a very hard choice, and it’s not your choice to make for someone else.

6. Don’t Pressure the Victim. Offer options. Offer to go with the person or to be their backup if they decide to report or confront. But don’t say “This is what you have to do, and if you don’t do it then it’s all your fault when this guy harasses someone else!” Because first off, when that guy harasses someone else, it’s his fault. It’s his choice. If you want more people to come forward and report sexual harassment, work to create an enviroment where it’s safe for them to do so.

7. Check Your Own Behaviors. A lot of harassers either don’t think of what they’re doing as harassment or else they rationalize what they’re doing. So check yourself. Check your physical and verbal behaviors. If you’re uncertain whether a gesture or joke or compliment would be appreciated, ask. If an interaction leaves you feeling weird, ask someone else for a reality-check.

8. Use Your Voice. Especially for guys, it’s easy to sit back and ignore the problem. To let other people worry about it. But your voice matters. Speaking up to say this kind of behavior is not okay matters. It matters to victims, who deserve to know that people are on their side, and it matters to harassers, who have to know that others don’t condone their crap.

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Related:

Reporting Sexual Harassment in SF/F Circles
The Backup Project