Sexual Harassment: Bystander Intervention
Following up on yesterday’s post, one of the biggest challenges to ending sexual harassment is getting bystanders to speak up and intervene. It’s easy enough to think about what we would have done after the fact. When Jaym Gates wrote about the “WFC Creeper” from World Fantasy Con this year, I kept going over various things I could have said and done had I been there.
But it’s different when you’re in the moment. What if I’m misreading the situation? What if saying something only escalates the problem? Nobody else is speaking up, so maybe I’m the only one who’s getting a bad vibe. I’m not a terribly large or physically imposing person … is there really anything I can do?
It can be hard to think when you’re in the moment, which is one of the reasons I want to think and talk about it now. This isn’t an area where I have any formal training or experience, so I picked some brains while putting this list together.
1. Addressing the harasser. Sometimes someone is simply clueless and genuinely doesn’t get that what they’re doing is unwanted and unacceptable. Say you see someone at a signing who squees and sidles into a chair, wrapping him/herself around his/her favorite author. Sometimes all it takes is pulling that person aside and saying, “Look, I know you’re excited, but that’s not cool. It’s creepy.”
2. Is everything okay here? Another fairly straightforward option is to simply check in and ask if everything’s okay. If both parties say yes, then life is good. But if someone is being harassed and says no, or if they simply don’t answer in the affirmative, then you stick around. Now the harasser is outnumbered. Maybe you offer a way out. I’ve used the “Hey, are you ready for the next panel?” bit to help extricate friends from awkward conversations before, and that sort of thing could work here as well. starcat_jewel and jennygadget suggested questions like “Excuse me, what time is it?” or “Do you happen to know where _____ is?” Both questions insert another person into the conversation in a safe, nonconfrontational way, and asking about directions gives the victim an excuse to say, “Sure, let me show you…”
3. Strength in numbers. If I go up to some guy and tell him to stop grabbing and groping everyone, then it’s a one-on-one situation, and there’s a chance it’s going to escalate. So I grab a few friends first. I suspect most harassers are much less likely to escalate when they’re outnumbered four-to-one.
4. Voice > Muscle. I love working with new students at karate when they ask about stopping bullies or strangers, especially people bigger than they are. I have them play the part of the bad guy and come at me, and right when they’re about to lay hands on me, I drop to the ground with my hands and feet up to protect myself and shout, “NO! STRANGER! BULLY!” On one occasion, the poor kid levitated halfway to the door in fright. Now I’m not saying this is always the best response, but a loud voice attracts attention. If you project from the gut, a firm, “Dude, she said no!” should draw the attention of half the room. At that point, numbers are once again on your side.
5. Report it. I’m struggling with this one. We’re always pressuring victims to report, but that should be their choice, not one I make for them. One option is to talk to the victim and offer to go with them to report it. Another option, if I see something that makes me uncomfortable, is for me to report it to Ops or whoever’s organizing the event. Not to say “Hey, badge number 123 was groping [NAME], and she looked uncomfortable,” but maybe “Badge number 123 is getting sexually aggressive and not respecting people’s boundaries, and it’s making the party/panel/whatever really uncomfortable for me and a lot of other people.” At the very least, that alerts the con staff to the problem, allowing them to take further steps if necessary.
6. Be Aware of Gender Issues. While men sexually harassing women is most common, harassers are not exclusively male, nor are victims exclusively female. Don’t be afraid to speak up just because the gender dynamics don’t match your expectations. Also, men are often more likely to listen to other men, making it that much more important for us to speak up.
7. Ass-kicking. This is the one a lot of people talk about. “We just need to get some big, burly guys to kick his ass!” And the problem may escalate to the point where physical intervention is required. But physical intervention should be a last resort, and it’s much better to let security or the police handle this whenever possible unless you want to risk ending up in a) the hospital or b) jail. See also rachelmanija‘s post “Why Didn’t You Kick Him in the Balls?”
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As I noted, I’m not an expert here. I’d love it if others could share thoughts and suggestions. For those with first-hand experience, what have you seen that worked, and what didn’t?
Catt Kingsgrave
December 6, 2011 @ 9:50 am
At Arisia, we run a panel every year on Sexual Assault and Harassment in Fandom, and we get asked this question frequently. There are so many layers at play here, not only from the convention aspect, but from the real, and pertinent questions of domestic violence showing its face in a public space.
It’s not always safe for the victim if a stranger intervenes and ‘saves’ them, because in domestic violence, or acquaintance harassment situations, the victim will often be made to pay later for it. And in some situations the victim might be so cowed that she (assumed feminine here, given the demographics,) cannot respond to questions about her safety or needing help.
What I have always recommended here, is that a policy of pointedly, and actively WITNESSING the events, so that both the aggressor and the victim know that you see, you will remember, and possibly, that you are documenting exactly what is happening can bring a wakeup call to matters. Especially if you have a celphone in hand and are taking a picture of HIM, not her. Walking up to within five to seven feet of the encounter, and just undisguisedly watching what happens — what the aggressor does, what the victim does, can illuminate the difference between an awkward conversation two people probably should be having in private, and a situation that could escalate into an incident. Because a creeper/stalker/aggressor will make an effort to shut the witness out, to control and dominate all contact with the victim, and his reactions to someone who will not politely walk away and pretend not to see can often open the door to you personally getting him thrown out of a con. And too, a victim will often communicate with her eyes that she is grateful not to be entirely ‘alone’ in whatever corner she’s in, but a woman engaging in an intense, but consensual discussion will put off different signals entirely.
Proceeding from her cues, you can get an idea whether it’s actually safe for HER if you intervene, and if it’s actually helpful, or if just mentioning badge numbers to security would be the better thing to do.
Ultimately, though, the consistent message of your post — that bystanders must DO something, even if it is only to refuse not to see, and not to say what they see, — is much needed, and I applaud the sentiment.
Kathryn
December 6, 2011 @ 10:14 am
Jim, with respect to point #2, could you go one further and go “Would you mind showing me where ____ is, please?” – You might be able to break them up and get the person in danger somewhere safe, or if nothing else you can break it up for a few moments, calm yourself down and get some details (i.e. take in their badge numbers or their clothing) and then go and find security afterwards.
I know you said not to report things as it isn’t your choice, but sometimes that’s the only option you viably have, right?
Just an idea.
Jim C. Hines
December 6, 2011 @ 11:25 am
Sure – like I said, I’m not an expert, and asking someone to show you how to get to ____ makes sense to me.
Reporting … I don’t think there’s a clear, simple answer there. One of the issues for me is whether I witnessed the behavior. It’s one thing for me to say “Hey, I saw so-and-so doing this to people (w/o naming victims), and it’s making *me* uncomfortable.” It’s another to say “My friend Kathryn said so-and-so was doing this to her, but she didn’t want to report it, so I’m reporting it for her.” The latter is far more problematic, in my opinion.
Kathryn
December 6, 2011 @ 11:57 am
Fair points.
So if you’ve not seen it, all you can do really is just nudge your friends and say “Hey, look out for this guy, if you see him doing anything dodgy…”?
Sara
December 6, 2011 @ 12:51 pm
It’s not bystander intervention, but voice > muscle is good for the victims of sexual harassment to remember as well, at least in cases where it’s an opportunistic stranger. If someone touches you inappropriately in the dealer’s room at a con, for example, a “Don’t touch me!” or similar delivered in a loud, clear voice is remarkably effective. You may feel uncomfortable drawing attention to yourself and what’s happening to you, but it’s never failed me yet. I can say from personal experience that as you get accustomed to doing so, drawing attention to this sort of thing gets less difficult.
But here’s the bystander intervention part: if you hear someone say “Don’t touch me,” or “Get your hand off my ass,” or anything like that, don’t look the other way. It’s your attention to the incident that makes that strategy work, because the kind of creep who will grope someone in a crowded room is doing it because they think they won’t get caught, either because the person they’re harassing won’t speak out or because they think no one else will notice or pay attention.
Justine Graykin
December 6, 2011 @ 2:31 pm
This has been very interesting and useful to me. I don’t know if it’s some kind of body language I put out, or whether I’m really that unattractive, but I can’t ever remember being sexually harassed. It might also be because I am not good at all at reading social cues. (Maybe someone was harassing me and I didn’t recognize it as such?) For the very reason that I am terrible at reading people, and often misinterpret social interactions, I never know when intervention would be appropriate. I know many women (and a couple of men) among my friends have been in unpleasant situations with creepers, and that it happens all the time. I want to help if I can. This discussion gives me some idea of what might be appropriate and helpful. Thank you.
Jim C. Hines
December 6, 2011 @ 3:22 pm
Absolutely, to both points.
One of the things I enjoy about my karate class is that there’s regular practice at shouting “No!” and other things. We learn not to be loud and disruptive, so it’s definitely helpful to practice that and get more comfortable…
Mary Spila
December 6, 2011 @ 3:37 pm
In a past job, Librarian in an urban setting, we had a “creeper” who was harrassing teenage women. The first time it was brought to my attention, I tried the “Is there anything that I can help you find?” to draw him away from the young women, which worked for a short period of time. Eventually we needed to call in Security, who took him out and had a talk with him.
Clay Dowling
December 6, 2011 @ 5:04 pm
As a frequent host of room parties at conventions, I am sometimes in the situation of seeing a sexual harassment situation forming before well before it happens. The typical situation is that somebody has consumed enough alcohol that their normal inhibitions against being a jerk are dropping.
If I see that somebody is visibly drunk, I try to move them on their way. It can be done politely and with a smile, and when I’ve done that I’ve never had a problem. I’m also a bigger guy and look like a cop (I’m not), which tends to persuade people that they have enjoyed enough of my hospitality. That seems to avoid most of the problems.
The downside is that after they leave my room party, I can’t tell what they’re doing. Last year at Penguicon I failed to catch a warning sign that somebody had been over served. I moved him on his way before he was obnoxious at my party, but later in the evening he accosted one of my guests in the elevator. She was unhurt, but pissed, and reported the offending jerk to the police. He turns out to have been known to the police as a jerk, and was removed from the property.
There’s no foolproof method to make sure that bad things don’t happen at your room party, but hopefully other people hosting room parties will also move drunks on their way, rather than continuing to serve them.