A Week of Triggers

This past week or so has been rough.

Some of that was expected. We’re planning to head up north in a few weeks, and one of the things we’ll be doing is spreading Amy’s ashes. That’s stirred up a lot.

What wasn’t expected was the results from some of my bloodwork. I get blood drawn several times a year to help monitor and control my diabetes. This time, the labwork came back with low hemoglobin, low white blood cell counts, and a few other irregularities.

My doctor immediately called about setting up an appointment with a hematologist. Which they scheduled at a local cancer center. The same group that treated Amy…

Intellectually, I didn’t think I had cancer. I suspected iron-deficiency anemia. Partly because of my diet. Partly because I’ve been donating blood and giving double-red donations.

(Spoiler: I was pretty much right.)

But intellect didn’t do much for the fear, or for the gut-level reaction when the paperwork arrived in the mail a few days later with the cancer center’s logo right there on the top. It didn’t make things easier when I drove to the appointment this morning. It didn’t erase the fact that there was a chance — even if it was a small one — that the abnormalities could have been caused by something cancerous in the blood/bone marrow…

The thought of having to face something like that again. The thought of putting the kids through that, of what it would do to them and to my parents and to everyone else. I just couldn’t.

My appointment was at a different building than the one Amy went to for treatment, which is good. But I was right across the road from the hospital where she was first admitted back in late 2018. More memories, more flashbacks.

Thankfully, the doctor didn’t think it was anything to be too worried about. I was able to get additional bloodwork done this morning, and the results came back this afternoon. Yay, technology. The doctor called this evening and confirmed I do not need to freak out. Just take some iron supplements and we’ll check in a month to see how it’s going.

But for the past week, I’ve felt completely derailed. This was one of the main reasons I cancelled Storytime last Friday. It’s been rather draining, to say the least.

I am planning to do Storytime tomorrow, though. It might be a little after 8, since I’ve got another online meeting at 7:30, but hopefully I’ll see some of you there for “The Creature in Your Neighborhood”!