Saturday will be six months from the day my wife died. Roughly fifteen months since she began getting noticeably sick.
It’s been a strange journey so far. I still think about Amy every day. I’m still seeing a therapist and going to a support group. I feel like, for the most part, I’ve got the day-to-day under control. Thinking about the future, about the longer term … that remains rather nebulous and overwhelming.
One of the effects I’ve noticed is that, while I’m able to get through most days well, I don’t have as much of a buffer for extra or unexpected stress. My shield is more of a buckler these days.
It’s why I haven’t been blogging as much, particularly about potentially divisive topics. I’ve got plenty of Opinions — that hasn’t changed — but I know the backlash has the potential to knock me down harder and longer than before. I’ll get there eventually, I think. I’m just not there yet.
Little things continue to trip me up, which I know is normal. I was shopping for new glasses and having a really hard time making a decision. Partly because the local eye place doesn’t have a great selection. But partly because the last time I did this, Amy was with me, and helped me pick out my current frames.
Last week, for the first time, I cooked one of Amy’s meals. Nothing fancy — chicken breasts and rice — but it was something she always made, and I never did. My son says it wasn’t quite as good as when mama made it, but he went back for seconds, so I’m counting it as a win.
Then there’s the silly stuff. I’ve been using Amy’s razors to shave my head, and I’m a bit annoyed I didn’t start sooner. Hers work much better than mine. They’ve got safety features and more built-in lotion/lubrication … I may throw mine away and keep buying razors from the women’s section from now on!
Socially, I’m still getting out with friends and family, which is good. I haven’t gone full extrovert or anything, but I’m making more of a conscious effort to communicate with people. Though I still drop the ball there sometimes.
So that’s the current State of the Jim. Things are going relatively well, considering. I’m getting through each day, and starting to try to figure out what the future might look like. And I’m grateful as always for all of the love and understanding and support people have shown.