Christmas Pose-Off: Lights vs. Tights
It began with a simple but unconventional fundraiser: the more people donated to support the Aicardi Syndrome Foundation, the more I would attempt to contort my body into the poses of various book covers, hoping to better illustrate some of the inherent sexism and absurdity of many of these poses. As a special bonus, I offered to challenge award-winning author John Scalzi to a pose-off if we reached certain goals.
We achieved the first goal in a single day, and a mighty battle was fought. Groin muscles were stretched to their very limits. But in the end, with more than 6500 votes cast, I EMERGED VICTORIOUS! Thank you, internet!
We quickly reached the second pose-off goal, and John challenged me to a rematch. But this time, the stakes were higher. This time, we would attempt to match the cover of Only Superhuman … and we would do so in the Christmas regalia of our choice!
Both of us grabbed our Nerf guns, decorated ourselves with whatever we had available, and prepared to flash our oh-so-pale bellies at the world.
As before, my thanks to my wife Amy for helping with the photoshoot and her patience while we tried various tricks to approximate the cover art (including a rather painful shot with my head and shoulders hanging off one end of the piano bench.)
It’s time for the rematch you’ve all been waiting for. It’s time to make (or break) your holiday spirit! It’s time for Hines vs. Scalzi: The Reposinating!
Anyone want to buy a slightly used pair of red tights?
Now it was Scalzi’s turn to avenge his CRUSHING AND HUMILIATING defeat from the last round. While I’m rather pleased with my bright red tights, I have to admit that Scalzi’s pose is far more … electric than my own.
I love how relaxed John looks here, like he was just chilling around the house in a Santa hat and lights, showing off his belly button and target shooting with the old Nerf gun.
Before we get to the voting, please remember we’re doing this for three reasons.
- We have no shame when it comes to entertaining and amusing the masses.
- To draw attention and generate discussion about sexism in cover art and the genre in general.
- To raise money for a very good cause.
If you’ve enjoyed the poses so far — and yes, I recognize that “enjoy” may not be the right word here — please consider donating to the Aicardi Syndrome Foundation. Details are available here.
My thanks again for John’s help, and for being such a good sport with all this. And now, internet, it’s time to make your voice heard! (The voting script doesn’t seem to work on LJ and other mirrors, so if you’re reading this elsewhere, you’ll need to click through to http://www.jimchines.com/2012/12/christmas-pose-off-lights-vs-tights/ to vote.)
Rafe B
December 25, 2012 @ 9:42 am
OH GOD… WHY IS HER LEFT THIGH SO LONG?
Josh Jasper
December 25, 2012 @ 9:45 am
I had to give it up to you here, Jim. Practically dislocating your neck and spine for that pose is worth my vote. John just looks too comfy.
GrowlyCub
December 25, 2012 @ 10:08 am
John’s not trying hard enough, although the lights are a nice touch. Jim, you are smirking! 🙂 So I’ll have to deduct points for lack of tortured expression (and you are so good at those usually :). Merry Xmas, thanks for the laughs and the good works.
Mel
December 25, 2012 @ 10:12 am
What a thing to wake up to on Christmas day. While I appreciate John’s braggadocio (and lights!), you are the clear winner here. At least to me, and there may be myriad opinions, all differing, on that.
Annalee
December 25, 2012 @ 10:14 am
Yeah, Scalzi looks waaay to comfortable (and I realize I’m inviting a snarky comment about how comfortable I think lying upside down on the couch is).
You got much closer to the actual pose on the cover.
Karen
December 25, 2012 @ 10:22 am
You win Jim! I think Scalzi is just “laying” around, BUT he got extra points from me for the boots!
Sophia McDougall
December 25, 2012 @ 10:41 am
Scalzi, I appreciate the boots, but you’ve got to try harder than this. You are dealing with a man who will stop at nothing, a master of graphic design who will break his freaking spine for victory. This is a time for precision. It is a time for pain. It is the moment for which the phrase “put your back into it” was invented.
(MY GOD HER THIGH HER HACKED UP ARM).
Bridgitt
December 25, 2012 @ 11:00 am
I’ve got to agree, Scalzi looks waaay too comfortable! But those boots ARE fabulous.
Maria (BearMountainBooks)
December 25, 2012 @ 11:01 am
John looks like he’s already been shot and lost the battle. I admit, I had to vote for him in the last run because that dress … it takes guts to look like that and wear that dress…and the legs and it was so mindbogglingly awful to see, how could I not?
But you’ve REPLICATED this new photo down to the painful grimace and while I had to deduct points from your pose for failing to have a low cut blouse…John didn’t manage to have the equipment to sufficiently display the goods under a low-cut blouse either. I think a bikini swimsuit top would have won the day and certainly been good for spewing coffee all over the monitor.
I’m…in awe.
Terry
December 25, 2012 @ 11:04 am
Let’s keep in mind that Jim is far more experienced in these things. He’s been rupturing our eyeballs for several years now; that means his *team* is more experienced, too. So I give John 100% for effort, but experience does tell. I have to vote for Jim’s pose as the more accurate. But don’t rest on your laurels, Jim – nothing’s stopping John from practicing up for the next one!
Also, considering just the *embarrassment* quotient these two relatively normal guys have subjected themselves to I salute them both! Thanks for the fun, guys!
Maria (BearMountainBooks)
December 25, 2012 @ 11:07 am
NORMAL???
Jim C. Hines
December 25, 2012 @ 11:14 am
On the other hand, John adopted a pose in which he’d actually have a chance of hitting his target, whereas there was no way I was going to be able to aim from mine…
Bernadette
December 25, 2012 @ 11:56 am
Now this simply made my morning! You guys are both either brave or nuts (I’m voting both!) and I love it.
Also, yes, John looks very comfy in his “where’s my beer while I shoot this thing” pose.
naleta
December 25, 2012 @ 11:57 am
I had to vote for Jim as John was way too comfortable.
Betty Widerski
December 25, 2012 @ 11:58 am
The candy cane in Jim’s belt!
Sheila
December 25, 2012 @ 12:02 pm
How did you create your pose?!
You have a much more accurate pose, though your left leg looks too comfortable compared to hers.
Jim C. Hines
December 25, 2012 @ 12:05 pm
“Both” is a very reasonable choice in this case 🙂
Jim C. Hines
December 25, 2012 @ 12:07 pm
I tried it on a piano bench first, with my head and neck bending down, but that didn’t turn out as well. For the version I used above, I was on the floor, leaning on my right arm. If you tilt your head about 30 degrees to the left, you should see it a little better.
Matt
December 25, 2012 @ 12:16 pm
Guys, this is just disturbing. Jesus is rolling over in his… oh wait.
Nevermind.
celestineangel
December 25, 2012 @ 12:27 pm
As Scalzi appears to be lying down on the job, I think the clear winner is Hines!
April L'Orange
December 25, 2012 @ 1:00 pm
I have to agree: Your poses actually highlight the back-breaking absurdity of the cover art in a way he just doesn’t.
Meagen Voss
December 25, 2012 @ 1:03 pm
Oh my. It looks like Scalzi had a few too many egg nogs and fell off the ladder onto the recliner when decorating the Christmas tree. How one would acquire a nerf gun in such a situation, I don’t know, but mayhaps nerf guns are required tree-decorating tools at the Scalzi compound..
Alas, I think I’m going with tights on this one. Thanks you both for making this Christmas…erm…special.
Gennita Low
December 25, 2012 @ 1:26 pm
Laughing so hard I fell off my chair. Oh my. I love the details on Hines’ cover–the candy cane in the belt, the wallpaper pattern sticking like reindeer antlers out of his hat, the KAPOW from the weapon. Scalzi looks like the Christmas lights got the better of him but he made me giggle with the belt and boots. Hines gets my vote for that over-the-shoulder smug stare. I tried and I gave myself a crick in the neck. Thanks for the laugh, guys, and Merry Christmas!
Wendy Wagner
December 25, 2012 @ 1:32 pm
Once again you nailed it, Jim! I think you capture the woman’s pose with spine shattering accuracy. Also, I think the Santa booties give this a delightful holiday flavor.
arr
December 25, 2012 @ 1:35 pm
I have to admit, I was waffling on picking the victor of the last round, but your mad photoshop skillz have quite clearly won the day on this one. I do give Scalzi props for his initial trip down the stairs, though. Maybe you could do the charitable thing and call your chiro for him as well.
Avilyn
December 25, 2012 @ 2:35 pm
Scalzi’s back doesn’t look contorted the way the original is. On the other hand, Jim’s right arm isn’t flung back like the original. Gotta give this round to Jim anyway, since Scalzi looks far too relaxed to be fully imitating the pose.
Cathy W
December 25, 2012 @ 2:39 pm
…and her knee is double-jointed or something? There seems to be an unnatural direction to the curve of her left leg.
Justin Semmel
December 25, 2012 @ 2:50 pm
Artists making anatomy errors? That never happens… 🙂
carmen webster buxton
December 25, 2012 @ 2:52 pm
I love the festive touch of the Christmas lights but Jim Hines got my vote because he is clearly posed such that his head is lower than the rest of his body, witness the jingle bell necklace. Advantage Hines.
Kat Richardson
December 25, 2012 @ 3:04 pm
Oh, Jim… I have to vote for you once again, although I feel I should vote for Scalzi just to be evenhanded. But to heck with that! You are the true cover contortion king! Although I really love John’s boots….
Terry
December 25, 2012 @ 3:26 pm
I *said* “relatively!
Susan
December 25, 2012 @ 3:50 pm
Kudos to Mr. Scalzi for even participating in the challenge, but this one’s not remotely close. JS looks like he overindulged on holiday food and drink and flopped down to rest it off. Jim Hines for the win.
Sally
December 25, 2012 @ 4:52 pm
Yeah, Scalzi’s not even trying. Jim’s got the pose, the overall festive idea (right down to the Santa boots), the whole deal. John just looks like he had too much eggnog before trying to put up the Xmas lights.
Michelle
December 25, 2012 @ 5:24 pm
Hmm. Tough call.
John has clearly done the near impossible, almost perfectly matching the unnatural looking curve of her left thigh with his baggy jeans. However, his legs are too far apart and his spine doesn’t look contorted enough, possibly due to the camera angle – he doesn’t look like he’s in as much pain. Of course, his right hand is much better positioned to break some fingers … I mean grab the rope.
Jim has done a better job on the spine twisting, but he hasn’t matched the model’s terrible, finger breaking attempt to grab the rope, and there seems to be something off about the angle of his right foot. I think it should have been pointing more towards his left foot. However, his pose does show off his very shapely calves.
Overall, I think I have to give this one to Jim.
Brian Hines
December 25, 2012 @ 6:09 pm
Your camera tricks will not fool me! Your hanging bell shows which way gravity truly is! I must vote for the Scalzi! Of course, I may have also had too much eggnog… (Besides, Mr Scalzi looks like he’s actually aiming and might hit what he’s shooting at)
Jim C. Hines
December 25, 2012 @ 6:12 pm
Ouch. Voted down BY MY OWN BROTHER! On CHRISTMAS!
FranW
December 25, 2012 @ 6:20 pm
I’m surprised that Jim made no effort to get the tassel of his Santa hat to defy gravity and point upwards, like the model’s hair. He’s usually quite good about those little details. 😉
Brian Hines
December 25, 2012 @ 6:20 pm
That’s love right there.
Teresa
December 25, 2012 @ 6:27 pm
What is wrong with the right hand? It looks like the claw in an arcade game!
And the thigh…urg. Just no!
Should we be calling the ambulance for Mr. Scalzi? It looks like a horrible tree decorating accident!
Tasha Turner
December 25, 2012 @ 7:57 pm
So was this pose easier or harder to pull off than the last pose off? Mr Scalzi was not bribing for votes this time so Jim wins my vote this time. Mr Scalzi looks pretty relaxed for someone who slid down the stairs shortly before. It’s impossible to picture any publisher putting a man in that pose for a cover. Well done gentleman.
Alex Swavely
December 25, 2012 @ 8:44 pm
I know a gal with similar dimensions
Marcos
December 25, 2012 @ 9:15 pm
Rob Liefeld consulted?
Christine A. Hook
December 25, 2012 @ 11:09 pm
I definitely vote for Jim this time! Does your chiropractor work on Christmas?? I hope so…because if you are ever able to straighten your right leg again without assistance, I’ll be very surprised! Great photos 🙂
Ms. Elise
December 26, 2012 @ 1:17 am
I have to vote for Jim for sheer accuracy, although I really don’t think aiming will happen in that pose. John gets points for being able to actually do something but get chiropractic work in his pose, though.
Frances Silversmith
December 26, 2012 @ 6:28 am
All that practice shows, Jim–you’re the clear winner on this one.
As to the tights: You could donate them to Worldbuilders to auction off at Ebay. 🙂
ellenceleste
December 26, 2012 @ 7:45 am
The tights are a big improvement. I know you two have been suffering for your art, so I won’t suggest a wax job, but how about shaving? If you won’t go for faces, pits and legs would be a big — ahem –improvement.
Maria (BearMountainBooks)
December 26, 2012 @ 12:17 pm
It’s possible we’re failing to see what really occurred. Perhaps Scalzi was actually airborne for the photo and hanging from Christmas lights, but when the shutter snapped, it was too late! Instead of being caught flying across the living room (held up by lights) he had already crashed and flattened the couch. That relaxed pose could just be the fact that he’s stunned and wondering how to convince his wife that they don’t really need a new couch…
Beth
December 26, 2012 @ 1:12 pm
I had to go with Jim again! Such a sad, sad debacle. How about best three out of five?
Lizasaurus Rex
December 26, 2012 @ 1:22 pm
Did no one tell Mr Scalzi that authenticity was the rule of this competition? While his commitment to last cover’s fashion choice was certainly a step in the right direction, I feel that both times he hasn’t fully committed to achieving the spine/joint/soul-crushing distortions on display.
I do agree that one could deduct points for Mr Hine’s smug smirk, but that could be a grimace so we’ll give you a 9.5 sir. Your committment to sparklemotion is well appreciated Mr Hines. The sacrifices of your bruised and broken body will be recorded for future generations. You are inspiration to all future cover-posers.
Cindy Lou Who
December 26, 2012 @ 2:44 pm
Even the ardent Scalzi fans on Whatever are distancing themselves. I admit that my vote was bought the last time around. He was beat but I voted for him anyway. I don’t what the f… this was. Perhaps an indicator of a sad decline.
Oz
December 26, 2012 @ 2:52 pm
In terms of what these poses are highlighting, this was a good choice and Jim’s pose wins as a comparison. Her left thigh is unnaturally long and oddly shaped. Her head and shoulder are, wow, in a weird position. If I weren’t comparing her to a real human, I might not have noticed. And yes, people are shaped differently, but this pose seems designed to highlight her chest and waist (rather improbably shaped as well). What John’s pose adds to this is the “everyman” reaction to the cover. Jim faithfully tries to recreate it, despite pain. John gives us a more “normal” attempt at the pose, what most of us would look like attempting it or how far most of us would be willing to go. So kudos to both of you, but Jim’s made me think more about oversexualized cover art featuring female bodies.
Rosefiend
December 26, 2012 @ 3:18 pm
Jim’s pose is more … painful. Whereas Jon just looks like he’s going to slide off the rocker.
archersangel
December 26, 2012 @ 9:31 pm
because she’s “only superhuman”?
Elizabeth Anne Ensley
December 27, 2012 @ 2:15 pm
I sort of giggled at Scalzi’s pose, but you won it, IMO, Jim. And credit where it’s due—Amy has a good eye! Well, actually, I’d wager she has two of them, but you know what I mean.
Maria (BearMountainBooks)
December 27, 2012 @ 8:48 pm
It’s definitely possible that someone has slid of their rocker…
Marlynn Of Many
December 27, 2012 @ 10:44 pm
Just wanted to let you know, I’ve spent my Christmas break reading through your blog and I’ve enjoyed it greatly.
I got a $100 Amazon gift certificate for Christmas, and I’ll be using it to buy every book of your I can find. 🙂
And what brought me to the blog in the first place? The original Book Cover Pose post, then the realization that I’d read and enjoyed The Mermaid’s Madness, not knowing it was part of a series.
Great stuff! Keep on being awesome!
Linkspam, 12/28/12 Edition — Radish Reviews
December 28, 2012 @ 6:41 am
[…] Cover Pose-Off with John Scalzi, the proceeds raised went to a very good cause indeed. Also, the second round of the Hines-Scalzi Pose-Off is […]
ULTRAGOTHA
December 28, 2012 @ 6:13 pm
Gotta give it to Hines, again. I agree, the experience shows.
I don’t suppose all this cover-pose-mocking is making a difference in female cover poses? Any data?
TheMadLibrarian
December 28, 2012 @ 8:52 pm
I believe the motif is Mr. Scalzi came down in the middle of the night to see what Santa had left, tripped over the Christmas tree (hence was tangled in the lights) and fell onto the couch, tipping it over.
Obviously the woman’s superheroic gifts include thighs twice the size of her waist and a dislocated shoulder.
Weekly Linkroll « M. Fenn
December 30, 2012 @ 9:06 am
[…] Christmas Pose-Off: Lights vs. Tights Jim Hines and John Scalzi face off again in another pose for charity. Hines just knows how to do this. […]
Jim C. Hines
December 30, 2012 @ 9:39 am
Anecdotally, I know there are professional artists and art directors who have paid attention to the various blog posts and discussions. But hard data one way or another? I’m afraid not.
Jim C. Hines
December 30, 2012 @ 9:40 am
Thanks so much, Marlynn!