Heart of Literary Darkness: Case Study of an Author 13 Days Before the Release of a Novel

ABSTRACT: While the DSM-V does not recognize the condition of Undifferentiated Authorial Pre-release Anxiety (not to be confused with Authorial Prepublication Neurosis), this is a well-known if unofficial diagnosis in the field of Bibliopsychology. Our research presents a detailed portrait of an author in the days before the publication of his next novel, in the hope that our observations and insights might point the way to future research. While there is at present no proven treatment for UAPA, our data finds some hope for cognitive therapy, traditional reinforcement, and clinical doses of mint chocolate chip ice cream.[1. Based on early experiments, we advise against the use of a placebo, as this tended to result in heightened states of violence and aggression in the subject.]

SUBJECT: Jim C. Hines is the author of seven novels and approximately 40 short stories. His 8th novel Libriomancer [Amazon | B&N | Mysterious Galaxy] will be published on August 7 of this year. (See figure 1, right.) This marks the launch of his third series, and will be his first hardcover with DAW Books. At the time this article was written, the book had received generally positive blurbs and reviews. Hines is 38 years old and married. He is employed with the State of Michigan. His medical file lists a diagnosis for type 1 diabetes in October of 1998, and he recently began treatment for depression. According to one family interview, he is “a goofball.”

INITIAL OBSERVATIONS: In the past 30 days, subject has displayed an increasingly obsessive tendency toward Google searches and visits to sites such as Goodreads and Amazon.com. Below is a graph of the subject’s visits to Amazon.com to check his sales ranking over the past nine weeks (figure 2).

A statistical analysis of this trend suggests that the subject will soon devote all available time and energy to clicking the refresh button. In week 12, he will reach the singularity, merging his brain with Amazon’s database and algorithms. We predict increasingly negative outcomes in social interaction, employment, and hygiene.[2. An intervention was attempted in week 8, at which point the subject threatened to ‘dump a nest of fire-spiders in our drawers’ if we didn’t restore his Internet access. Further interventions are negatively indicated at this time.]

The subject has also shown signs of neglect toward email and even his blog. The majority of his time and energy seem to be devoted to interviews and guest posts. On the surface, this behavior appears consistent with the need to promote his work and generate a false sense of control, but we believe he may also be sublimating his anxiety into these projects. In layman’s terms, he appears to be “freaking the hell out.”

TREATMENT OPTIONS: It would have been unethical to ignore the subject’s clearly worsening condition. Several treatments were attempted, without success.[3. EBear Treatment was not possible due to the unavailability of a Giant Ridiculous Dog.]

  1. The Scalzi Protocol – Subject was fed approximately three pounds of bacon (cooked) each day. We found no visible improvement in mood. Subject began to record more erratic blood sugar readings, and was found taping bacon to his children. Protocol was cut short after four days.
  2. Kowal Therapy – Subject proved resistant to puppet-led counseling.
  3. The Grant-McGuire Treatment – Guided meditation was attempted with the standard protocol and script. Subject became distraught during the zombie velociraptor sequence.
  4. The Wheaton Cure – The lead researcher informed the subject that he was being a dick. Subject promptly punched the lead researcher in the fiddly bits.

CONCLUSIONS: While Undifferentiated Authorial Pre-release Anxiety is believed to be incurable, nearly all subjects recover within 2 to 12 weeks after the publication of their book. We believe there may be a neurochemical element to this recovery, and will be taking samples of the subject’s brain fluid during and after the release of Libriomancer, in the hope that these neurochemicals can be synthesized and artificially stimulated. For the time being, however, we recommend the standard precautionary steps as documented by the Gilbert & Wollheim 1998 study: preordering massive doses of the book in order to mitigate the worst symptoms of the disease.

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Hugo Roundup

As a Hugo nominee, I think I’m required to do at least one reminder post that Hugo voting ends July 31. There’s now a countdown on the Hugo Voting Page.

I’ve posted my thoughts on various categories here:

While I didn’t get through all of the novels, I did have a review of one of the nominated works: Deadline, by Mira Grant.

I voted last week. There are a few categories I left blank, as I wasn’t familiar enough to feel right about voting, and at this point, I wasn’t going to be able to get through the rest. Here are my final, somewhat disorganized thoughts on the nominated works.

Graphic Novel – You’ve got Fables, a story that blends different fairy tale characters, including some kick-ass heroines and an interpretation that blends the two versions of Snow White. Then there’s The Unwritten, which centers on the magic of books and stories. After reading those two, I was half-expecting the next one to be all about an underdog fantasy monster and his pet spider. This was one of the categories I struggled with, trying to rank both the storytelling and the artwork/presentation. For example, the artwork in Digger might not be on the same level as the art in Fables, but I found myself enjoying the story and imagination in Digger more.

Best Editor – Long Form – As a DAW author, I can’t be objective here. Pat Rothfuss talks about his experience working with Betsy Wollheim here, and I think he says things better than I could. Last year, she edited and published a #1 NYT Bestseller (Rothfuss) as well as a World Fantasy Award winner (Nnedi Okorafor). Betsy has been editing for decades, and has never gotten a Hugo for it. I think it’s time that changed. (Pat’s post is also worth reading for the insight into writing-related stress and breakdown.)

Best Related Work – I think the online SF Encyclopedia is an impressive achievement, and worth recognition. Seanan McGuire’s album “Wicked Girls” is awesome, and the title song is award-worthy all by itself (in my not-terribly-humble opinion). I’ve been a guest on Writing Excuses and I think they’re great, but I found myself struggling with the question of whether it was better to vote for something aimed primarily at writers vs. works aimed at SF/F as a whole. I don’t know if that makes sense or not, and I don’t think “specialized” works should be excluded. Just something I had to work through as I was trying to decide how to vote.

Best Fan Writer – I have no comment, except to say once again that I’m honored to be on the ballot with these people.

John W. Campbell Award – This was a tricky one. One author had a fairly short story. Two others had novels. It’s hard to compare. I think that for the short story nominees, it’s a good idea to submit multiple stories, like E. Lily Yu did. It provides a larger sense of the author’s writing and range. I wonder how many people will vote for the novelists, simply because folks tend to see novels as more “valid” than short stories…

No Award – I didn’t vote “No Award” for any of the categories. I wouldn’t deny others their right to do so, but I find that option personally distasteful. The works on the ballot are there because a significant portion of our community feels they deserve to be on the ballot. Even if I disagree, I’m not comfortable saying I’d rather see no award given out than see it go to that person or work.

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One of the challenges I struggled with was keeping my personal feelings off of the ballot. I know a lot of the nominees this year, which is awesome, but also awkward. I think I was able to judge each category on the merits of the submitted work, but it was hard. (It helps that I have some amazingly talented friends, so in many cases I could vote for them with a clear conscience.)

Have you voted yet? What was the hardest category for you to decide on? Which category or categories did you end up leaving blank?

First Book Friday: Michael R. Underwood

This summer, all of the cool kids are writing *mancy books! Michael R. Underwood (Twitter, Facebook) just celebrated the release of his first novel, in which magic flows from genre tropes, and Ree Reyes (barista-and-comicshop-employee) finds herself drawn into the supernatural side of town, investigating a string of suicides. Geek-powered magic. It’s all the rage. You can check out the first two chapters at Tor.com.

A while back, I blogged and chatted a bit about Book Country, an online community of readers and writers launched by Penguin. I was delighted when Michael offered to share his experience with Book Country, an experience that led to a two-book deal for Geekomancy and its sequel.

Previous First Book Friday entries in the series are indexed here. The submission guidelines are over there.

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There’s a certain way things are done in publishing. Most authors write a manuscript, revise it, revise it again, then revise it some more. They get an agent, then they get a deal, then a year to a year and a half later, the book comes out in paperback or hardcover, etc. This is the way that things are done. And for many people, it works fabulously.

But there are always exceptions. Happily, my story with Geekomancy [Amazon | B&N] is one of those exceptions. At the beginning of 2012, I had just completed the first draft of an urban fantasy called Geekomancy and decided to try an experiment. Like many experiments, the results were unexpected.

I’d put a previous novel up for critique on Book Country, a community for genre fiction authors, and decided that it’d be a good exercise to show my new novel’s whole revision process on Book Country – it’d be a way to have accountability, get feedback as I went, and make a Thing of it.

As it turns out, it was not just a Thing, it was The Thing That Would Get Me Published. A few weeks after I put up an excerpt, Adam Wilson emailed me, introducing himself as an editor for Pocket/Gallery. He’d read what I posted and liked it, and saw that I had a complete draft, and could he read it?

And, because I am a good geek, and I know my Ghostbusters, I had the appropriate quote in my head: “If someone asks you if you’re a God, you say YES.”

And thus, I created my authorial corollary to the phrase: “If an editor asks if they can read your manuscript, you say YES.”

I said YES, and off it went. In the meantime, a Penguin editor also asked to read the full, taking me from ‘Wow, this is cool’ to ‘There could be editorial Thunderdome in store.’ It didn’t get quite that crazy, but in a little over a week, I had an offer. Adam was acquiring for a re-launch of Pocket Star as an eBook original imprint, and wanted to buy Geekomancy and 1-2 sequels as part of the re-launch.

Initially, I was sad to not have a print edition, since I have lots of bookstore connections and I didn’t dream of one day publishing an eBook when I was a kid. But with some reflection, I saw the advantages: as an eOriginal, it’d be faster to market, and it’d be easier to target directly to the demographic sweet spot (geeks and gamers), many of whom are eBook readers already.

I asked for a bit of time to consider the offer, and in that time, I went on a Lightning Round Agent Search, talking to several different agents and signing with the fabulous Sara Megibow of the Nelson Literary Agency. With an awesome agent on board, we sealed the deal.

Story’s over, right? Pack up, go home? Not quite!

A few weeks after the deal was done, Adam came back and asked if I’d be interested in turning the book in a couple of weeks earlier so they could release the book at Comic-Con?

Again, I responded in the enthusiastic affirmative. Comic-Con? A chance to get the book in front of 100,000 members of its prime demographic? Done.

And that’s how I sold, edited, and had my first novel published within six months of signing the deal. Geekomancy is now out in the world, its story a happy exception to the norms of publishing and helping trailblaze one of many new paths in the field.

I Have No Brain and I Must Blog

This week is kicking my butt. And also my elbow, courtesy of a slip in the driveway yesterday.

So have a pair of links.

  • The new issue of the fanzine Journey Planet has some pieces about privilege from John Scalzi, Erin Hoffman, Emma England, James Bacon, and a reprint of “Facts are Cool” by yours truly.
  • The latest SF Signal Mind Meld is about monarchies in fantasy. I channel my inner Loki, and there are also contributions from Daniel Abraham, Delia Sherman, Diana Pharaoh Francis, James Maxey, Kristen Bell, Marie Brennan, Mark Charan Newton, Martha Wells, Mazarkis Williams, Mieneke van der Salm, Sherwood Smith, and Yves Meynard.

Also, have a funny from my son. I posted this on Twitter and Facebook last night:

  • The boy made a LEGO minifig of himself and showed it to me. Then he took the hair off and said, “Now it’s you!”

And that’s all I’ve got for today.

Another Con, Another Creep

This time it’s Genevieve Valentine talking about her experience at Readercon.

Do me a favor, guys? Read her post. Reread these points that she makes at the end:

  • A brief conversation is not an opportunity to try your luck.
  • When someone moves away from an overture you are making? You are done.
  • When someone indicates something you have said makes them uncomfortable and then turns their back on you? You are done.
  • When someone turns to you and tells you in no uncertain terms that you are not to touch them again and moves off at speed? You are so incredibly done.
  • And when you have offended a woman with boundary-crossing behavior, you do not get to choose how you apologize.
  • If a woman has indicated you are unwelcome (see above, but also including but not limited to: lack of eye contact, moving away from you, looking for other people around you, trying to wrap up the conversation), and especially if a woman has told you in any way, to any degree, that you are unwelcome, your apology is YOU, VANISHING.

In other words? Respect people’s boundaries, dammit!

And understand that your intentions don’t matter here. The fact that you think you’re a nice guy doesn’t matter. The fact that you’re sure you’d never actually assault a woman doesn’t matter. The fact that you don’t think you’re harassing or stalking someone doesn’t matter.

Yeah, it sucks when someone says you’re making them uncomfortable. You feel hurt. You feel misunderstood. But your hurt feelings don’t justify the continued violation of someone else’s boundaries. If you’re feeling hurt, go talk to a friend. Go vent in a locked LJ post. What you don’t do is keep harassing the other person to try to change their mind, nor do you get to argue and tell them why their feelings are wrong.

If you actually care about the fact that this person feels uncomfortable, and you want them to stop feeling that way? Change the behavior that’s making them feel uncomfortable.

In most cases, this means leaving them the hell alone.

This has been your cranky rant for the day.

Of Blood and Honey, by Stina Leicht

Of Blood and Honey [Amazon | B&N | Mysterious Galaxy] is the debut novel by Campbell nominee Stina Leicht. From the official product description:

“Liam never knew who his father was. The town of Derry had always assumed that he was the bastard of a protestant—His mother never spoke of him, and Liam assumed he was dead. But when the war between the fallen and the fey began to head up, Liam and his family are pulled into a conflict that they didn’t know existed. A centuries old conflict between supernatural forces seems to mirror the political divisions in 1970s era Ireland, and Liam is thrown headlong into both conflicts. Only the direct intervention of Liam’s real father, and a secret Catholic order dedicated to fighting ‘The Fallen’ can save Liam … from the mundane and supernatural forces around him, and from the darkness that lurks within him.”

This book is at times brutal. I almost set it aside when, in the early chapters, Liam is dragged away to Long Kesh prison where he’s beaten and repeatedly raped. Those traumas awaken his púca heritage, releasing a monster intent on slaughter, a monster Liam struggles to control. While this is one of the few times I remember reading the “Rape as triggering event for magic/power and revenge” trope applied to a man, it was still unpleasant reading.

But I’m glad I kept going. Where the typical fantasy novel would use the Irish conflicts during the 70s as the backdrop for the mythical war between fallen and fae, Leicht made the opposite choice. The too-human hate and viciousness between Irish and British, Catholics and Protestants, take center stage, with the magical and fantastic elements woven in to emphasize the human conflicts, both personal and historical.

I especially appreciated the character of Father Murray, a Catholic priest who chooses not to execute Liam for his inhuman heritage, but instead to protect him, to try to save him. Like the rest of the book, he’s a complex character, at times incredibly noble and heroic, and at other times misguided on a tragic scale.

In an era like the Troubles, it’s impossible to remain pure. Father Murray embodies that conflict, and provides a model for Liam to start to come to terms with his own sins—not necessarily from a religious perspective, but from a human one. They’ve both made horrible mistakes and done unforgivable things, and Leicht doesn’t shy away from that or try to excuse it. Instead, she makes her characters—and the reader—face those choices and their consequences.

Perhaps because so much of the book was grounded in reality, the final battle between fae and fallen didn’t work quite as well for me. After so much of the vivid, gritty, historical violence of the period, the fantasy battle between fairy folk and fallen angels simply didn’t have the same impact.

Overall, it’s an ambitious debut. After those first few chapters, I was hard-pressed to set it down. Props to Leicht for taking on such a messy subject. My only reservations about recommending the book would be about the brutal rapes and violence. It didn’t feel gratuitous, but it was definitely disturbing.

You can read a bit more about the book in Leight’s own words in the interview I did with her here.

For those of you who’ve read this one, what did you think? I’d particularly love to hear from folks with a better knowledge of Irish history, as that’s an area where I’m afraid I’m a bit weak.

ETA: Two readers have pointed to Martin McGrath’s review, which takes issue with Leicht’s portrayal of the culture and conflicts in the book. I think McGrath makes a number of good and valid arguments that I missed.

Redemption in Indigo, by Karen Lord

Karen Lord is one of this year’s nominees for the Campbell Award for Best New Writer. I interviewed her here earlier this year. Having read Redemption in Indigo [Amazon | B&N | Mysterious Galaxy], I can see why she’s on the ballot.

The official description:

Karen Lord’s debut novel is an intricately woven tale of adventure, magic, and the power of the human spirit. Paama’s husband is a fool and a glutton. Bad enough that he followed her to her parents’ home in the village of Makendha—now he’s disgraced himself by murdering livestock and stealing corn. When Paama leaves him for good, she attracts the attention of the undying ones—the djombi—who present her with a gift: the Chaos Stick, which allows her to manipulate the subtle forces of the world. Unfortunately, a wrathful djombi with indigo skin believes this power should be his and his alone.

Lord mentions that chapters two through four are loosely based on a Senegalese folk tale, and the entire book has that same feel. From the very first page, Lord creates the illusion not of turning the pages, but of sitting back and listening to a master storyteller, one who has no compunctions about addressing the audience directly. It’s a voice that works perfectly for Paama’s story.

I loved this book, and to be honest, I’m having a hard time figuring out what to say about it, beyond the fact that Lord consistently made choices in her storytelling that I didn’t expect, but that felt right when I read them. None moreso than the way she ended things, which I can’t talk about without spoiling the whole darn book. Sigh.

I will say that if you’re looking for a traditional Western/American fantasy about an orphaned farmboy who vanquishes the evil overlord with a magic doohickamabob, this isn’t the book for you. Lord’s story challenges such tropes from page one, questioning everything from the nature of evil to the assumption that the only heroic choice is to fight and defeat your presumed foes.

One of my favorite moments in the book is when the djombi threatens to harm Paama’s family unless she returns the Chaos Stick … so she immediately hands it over. It’s instinctive. She doesn’t crave power, and she refuses to risk her loved ones over some ridiculous need to maintain face or appear defiant.

And of course, topping everything off, there’s a trickster spider character. How can I not love the trickster spider?

Let me put it this way. I read most of this one in the airport on the way to Kentucky, and I was happy my flight was delayed, because it meant I had more time to read.

Discussion is absolutely welcome, as always!

Goblin and Libriomancer Stuff

I’ve got two more book reviews coming, but I thought I’d break things up with a bit of self-promotion, starting with the goblin omnibus The Legend of Jig Dragonslayer [Amazon | B&N | Mysterious Galaxy], which came out just over a week ago. I was very excited to get my first look at the finished book at Fandom Fest. Thank you, Joseph-Beth Booksellers! It’s shiny and pretty (with a cover I like much better than the original design), and at 800+ pages, it means I’ve finally written a doorstopper book!

Sure, it takes three of my goblin novels to make one doorstop, but I’ll take what I can get 🙂

When I got back from vacation, I found two boxes of author copies waiting for me. You can see Taz inspecting both shipments for damage.

HEY REVIEWERS: The fact that both of these books have now been printed means this might be a good time to contact DAW/Penguin for review copies, if you haven’t already received one. (If you need contact info, hit me up, but please understand that they don’t generally ship out books just for Amazon or Goodreads type reviews.)

Only 26 days until Libriomancer [Amazon | B&N | Mysterious Galaxy] comes out. I’ve seen a few reviews pop up on Goodreads, almost all positive so far, thanks to the giveaway Penguin held. Even better than that, getting my author copies early means I was able to deliver my very first copy of the book to some dear family friends. I’ve known them for 34 years, and from the very beginning, they always encouraged me to read and to explore the magic of books. So I dedicated this one to them, since Libriomancer seemed like the perfect book with which to thank them.

It’s one of the amazing things about being a writer. With every book and dedication, I can give someone a gift very few people ever get. It’s a wonderful feeling.

Michigan Mini-Tour: It’s not an official book tour, but I’ve got enough signings lined up that I’m calling it one. The week of August 7 when the book comes out, I’ll be in Lansing, Ann Arbor, Walker/Grand Rapids, and Kalamazoo. Details are on my website.

I feel like there was something else I wanted to mention … oh, right! I announced this on Twitter and Facebook, but not here. Graphic Audio will be doing audio book editions of all three goblin books. This is a company that does full-cast recordings with music and sound effects. They’ve done books by folks like Brandon Sanderson, Elizabeth Moon, Peter Brett, and many more. I’m really looking forward to seeing what they come up with. (I don’t know when it will be released or who they’ll be getting to do the different voices. They’ve already shot down my suggestion to get Samuel L. Jackson to play Jig.)

Yeah, it’s a rather hectic summer around these parts, but I’m enjoying it!

Hugo Novellas, Part 2

When I registered for Worldcon, my goal was to read/watch/listen to ALL THE THINGS on the Hugo Ballot, and to review them as well. It was a good goal. A noble goal. A goal which, with less than a month until the July 31 voting deadline, simply ain’t gonna happen.

That said, I did get some reading done over the past few weeks, starting with the rest of the nominated novellas. (I reviewed the first three here.) Remember that both attending and supporting memberships give you voting rights and access to the Hugo Voter Packet.

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The Man Who Ended History: A Documentary, by Ken Liu, really stuck with me. Doctor Evan Wei, a Chinese-American historian, develops a form of time-travel technology that allows an individual to observe the past, but not to change or interfere. The catch is that any given moment of history can be seen only once, after which the Bohm-Kirino particles that allow you to reconstruct that moment are gone forever.

The story focuses on Unit 731, a Japanese biological and chemical research facility during World War II, in which thousands of people as many as 200,000 people, primarily Chinese and Korean prisoners, were killed in various experiments.[1. Ken emailed me to clarify that the number of prisoners killed in Unit 731 is unclear, but estimates are in the thousands. The 200,000 number is the lower estimate of people killed by biological weapons developed in Unit 731. My apologies for my mistake.] Dr. Wei’s goal – and Liu’s as well – is to bring to light the atrocities that were committed, atrocities which have been suppressed and ignored.

Liu documents his sources, citing various texts, testimonies, articles, hearings, and other accounts to support his story. And while the story of Wei’s efforts and the political and personal backlash is a good one, in the end I think it’s overpowered by the history lesson.

The science was, I felt, the weakest part of the story. Liu provided just enough detail about time travel to make me question it, and to erode my suspension of disbelief. But from a thematic perspective, particularly when it comes to the danger of erasing history, I thought it worked well. “We cannot avert our eyes or plug up our ears. We must bear witness and speak for those who cannot speak. We have only one chance to get it right.”

The Man Who Bridged the Mist, by Kij Johnson, tells the story of Kit Meinem, an engineer and architect charged with building a bridge to connect the towns of Nearside and Farside. The river of mist that separates the towns is thick and dense enough to support boats, but it’s also home to dangerous fish-like creatures, some of which are enormous enough to destroy the ferries and their passengers.

The mist is fascinating, but it’s never fully explored or explained, and that works. The story isn’t about big flashy battles or the magic of the fantastic; it’s about the magic of Meinem’s bridge, the long process of construction and the ways in which that bridge will change the world. It’s a story that shows the triumphs and the costs of progress. Some of the costs are obvious, like the deaths among Meinem’s crew.

Others are subtler. Rasali Ferry is skilled at crossing the mist. She knows the dangers, but the mist is where she feels at home and at peace. Meinem’s bridge will put an end to her way of life, a fact she struggles to accept throughout the course of the story.

I liked this one as much for what it wasn’t as for what it was. Instead of big magic and effects, Johnson gives us Meinem’s love of engineering, his passion for his work, and the lovingly detailed process of building the bridge and changing the world. (And as a writer, I can’t help thinking about the bridge as a metaphor for stories.)

The Ice Owl, by Carolyn Ives Gilman, is the most traditional story of the three. The city of Glory to God is described as a city of rust, a city of religious rule and corruption. In the opening pages, the Incorruptibles – the “army of righteousness” – enter the Waster enclave where Thorn lives and burn down a school. Thorn sets out and finds a tutor, a historian called Magister Pregaldin who turns out to be far more than just a teacher.

I liked a lot of the worldbuilding and ideas in this one. Lightbeam travel means Thorn is 145 years old, at least by sequential time, due to time spent in transit. The titular ice owl is fascinating and symbolic and tragic, the last of its kind, hibernating in Pregaldin’s freezer.

Underlying the events of the story is the Holocide, a SFnal parallel to the Holocaust. Pregaldin deals in looted and lost artwork from that time. Thorn’s mother is seeing a man named Hunter, who pursues war criminals from the Holocide. As Thorn begins to suspect her tutor of being connected to the Holocide, she sets out to learn what role he played both then and now.

For some reason, this story didn’t quite come together for me as well as the others. I liked Thorn’s character: she’s smart, impulsive, and determined. I liked her investigation into Pregaldin’s past. I liked her family conflicts, her frustration with being the responsible one for her mother. But while there were a lot of great pieces, there were times they still felt like pieces instead of all fitting into the larger story. I’ve seen some very positive reviews of this one, so it might be a matter of taste, or maybe I just didn’t read it carefully enough.

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So there you have it, the rest of the novellas. For those of you who’ve read them, what did you think?

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To The Woman Who Groped Me at FandomFest

I suppose it was my own fault.

I considered it a kindness to ignore you as you whined about how drunk you were and preemptively apologized to anyone you might puke on. As you leaned on your friend and began to swear at people for having the audacity to stop you from reaching your floor, as if they somehow believed they had a right to use the elevator too.

It was my fault for tuning you out as your verbal diarrhea grew even nastier. For not realizing when your mumbled “fuck it!” devolved into “faggot,” a slur you apparently directed at anyone getting off of the elevator. Including me.

It’s my fault for not catching what you were spewing until I was squeezing toward the doors, at which point you apparently took my annoyance as reason to announce my gayness to the world and grab my ass.

My fault for those few seconds of what-the-hell-just-happened shock, during which time the elevator doors closed, robbing me of any chance to respond.

There are many things I could have said and done, had I reacted faster. I could have shouted, “What the hell is wrong with you?” I could have called you out on your bigotry. I could have responded physically, taking your wrist and refusing to give it back until you apologized. I could have snapped a picture or jotted down your badge name and reported you to security.

I didn’t do any of those things. I don’t know your name. I couldn’t tell security what you looked like. Given how wasted you were, I don’t know if you even remember what you did.

Of course, the thing is, it’s not my fault. I’m not the one who decided to grope a stranger in an elevator as some sort of petty, drunken game. I’m not the friend who stood by and did nothing while it happened.

To be fair, I don’t know what happened after those elevator doors closed. It’s possible your friend told you exactly how much of an asshole you were being, but nothing I observed up to that point makes me think anything happened, aside from maybe a little nervous laughter.

In the silver lining department, it was … educational. I have a better understanding of the self-blame; of the way people replay the situation again and again, imagining what you could have done differently; of some of the ways others respond when you talk about it, the jokes and the advice about what you should have done, all offered with love and the best of intentions.

One person commented, “Welcome to the world of women.” While it’s not just women who get treated this way – I was talking to another author this weekend about his experience with a woman who refused to respect the word “no” – it’s certainly far more common for men to target and harass women.

And you know what? It’s bullshit. It’s harassment, and it’s assault.

We focus on what the victims should do. How they should fight back and report it and take responsibility for making sure the other person doesn’t do this to anyone else.

I don’t need to be told what I should have done. Believe me, I played that scenario out again and again in my head, and I guarantee I’ve already come up with pretty much every possibility you’re going to suggest.

None of which helps.

A part of me wants to insist it wasn’t a big deal. I was never in physical danger. It was only a second or two of physical/sexual contact. But it was unwanted sexual contact. It was, however brief, a deliberate violation. And it is a big deal.

I had to keep reminding myself, even though I knew it, that it’s not my fault. That the responsibility belongs with the bigoted asshole who did this. I don’t care that she was drunk. If you’re the kind of person who does this shit when you get drunk, then you’ve forfeited the right to get drunk around people. Because alcohol doesn’t excuse it or make it okay, and if you can’t control yourself when you’re drunk, then you damn well need to stay sober.

And if you’ve watched a friend pull this kind of shit and said nothing – if you stood there and let it happen, and didn’t confront them afterward – then you’re also part of the problem. Because silence speaks too, and your silence tells your friend that his or her behavior is okay. That you’re cool with them harassing people.

Overall, I had a great time at FandomFest, but this pissed me off. It pissed me off that it happens, and it pisses me off that it keeps happening.

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