Joy and the Legalization of Same-Sex Marriage
FYI, I’ll be on Lansing Online News tonight at 7, talking about Fable: Blood of Heroes, writing, and whatever else comes up. You can check the Ustream broadcast, or if you’re local, you can listen on 89.7 FM.
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I’m 41 years old. When I was in elementary school, we played a game called Smear the Queer. I had no idea what “queer” actually meant. I just thought of it as another fun roughhousing game, basically like tag with the added bonus of getting to tackle someone at the end.
The movie Teen Wolf came out in 1985, when I was eleven. It included Michael J. Fox having the following exchange with a friend:
“You aren’t gonna tell me you’re a fag are you? Because I don’t think I can handle that.”
“No, no…I’m not a fag. I’m a werewolf.”
As recently as 2003, laws against sodomy were still on the books in fourteen states (including my own state of Michigan).
In 2005, my home state of Michigan passed a Constitutional Amendment stating:
To secure and preserve the benefits of marriage for our society and for future generations of children, the union of one man and one woman in marriage shall be the only agreement recognized as a marriage or similar union for any purpose.
On Friday June 26, 2015, the U.S. Supreme Court overturned that Constitutional Amendment and others, ruling that same-sex marriage was legal throughout the United States.
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This feels monumental.
I know the U.S. and humanity as a whole still has a great deal of work to do when it comes to addressing social inequities and discrimination, but this was huge. I think about the treatment and awareness of LGBT people during my childhood and look at how much that’s changed over the course of a generation…the fact that the White House was lit up in rainbow colors to celebrate the legalization of same-sex marriage… It’s joyful.
I’ve seen people say that, because they’re straight, this ruling doesn’t directly affect them. And I think I understand what they mean. Friday doesn’t affect my 12-year marriage to a woman in any way. It doesn’t change my family or financial situation or legal security in all the ways it can for people in same-sex relationships.
The impact isn’t the same, but it does affect me. It fills me with joy and pride. It brings a sense of relief for friends and loved ones. It rekindles hope that my country can become better, and that we can overcome discrimination.
(It also screwed up my productivity on Friday, because instead of working on my book, I was scrolling through social media to see all of the celebration and happiness. I’ve decided that I’m okay with that.)
I recognize that this was a long, hard-fought battle, and this victory doesn’t end people’s struggles. The United States is one country, not the world. Friday didn’t magically erase hate and bigotry. And it will likely lead to more of the pushback we’ve been seeing against inclusiveness, diversity, and acceptance.
But it’s still a joyful thing, one I choose to celebrate. When I listened to a friend and coworker fighting back tears as she talks to Human Resources about adding her wife to her benefits…when I think of friends who left Michigan after we passed that amendment in 2005, whose legal status will now be recognized if they choose to return…when I see my friends online celebrating their relationships, and I can’t even tell who’s updating and commenting on Facebook because so many people have rainbowized their icons…I can’t understand how anyone could fail to be moved by such an outpouring of shared joy and love.
I look at the hate crimes and racially motivated terrorism we’ve seen in recent weeks, the bile and bigotry coming out in the wake of the Supreme Court’s ruling, the narrow-mindedness and the utter lack of empathy, the blinding fanaticism and extremism and hate. The victory of June 26, 2015 reminds me why we fight against these things: because change for the better is possible.
I am so happy for everyone whose lives will be better as a result of this ruling, and I’m happy for my country for taking a step toward fairness and equality.
Terry Hickman
June 29, 2015 @ 12:11 pm
Hear, hear! Between the marriage ruling and the ACA ruling, I can finally hold my head up with pride in this country again. There are a lot of other things that urgently need changing, but at least we have those!
Fear makes people do ugly things. Fearful people can be dangerous. I feel sorry for people who are so afraid that they have to cause anguish to others who they don’t even know. My sorrow ends when their hands pick up weapons.
R.M.
June 29, 2015 @ 12:40 pm
Thank you for being an ally. This isn’t cookies – this is acknowledgement that without straight allies this would not have happened, could not have happened.
I am about the same age as you (40), and when I came out at the age of 19, I was physically attacked for it. I couldn’t go to the police, because I knew the cops in my small town, and they were, shall we say, unlikely to be helpful. I never, ever, would have believed then that the woman I have partnered for 15 years can now be my wife.
Granted, in my state I can still be fired, denied housing, and otherwise discriminated against, completely legally. Yet now it seems much more likely to me that those things too may some day change. After all, I can now get freakin MARRIED!
At the same time that I am feeling so much gratitude to the straight allies who have leveraged their privilege to help expand marriage to include me, I am moved to look for more ways to leverage my white privilege, to be an ally to POC in this country. While I was celebrating Friday, people in Charleston were dealing with having their hopes and hearts broken once again.
My point? I believe that progress is made when we all move together. When we really internalize that unless all are free, NONE are free, we begin to stand up for each other. When we stand together, it is a lot harder for the backlash to knock us back on our heels.
(This is not to say that I believe one should be flinging oneself headlong into activism on every front all the time. I completely support picking the battles that one has the energy and ability to fight. I simply believe that those who do pick a battle, as they have time and energy and passion, are those that change the world.)
celli
June 29, 2015 @ 1:41 pm
My home state had both the law AND the constitutional amendment, so my first thought Friday was, “I could go home to get married!” And then I emailed my friends and said, “Congratulations on being married in [state]!”
I definitely want to be there to help with the pushback, and I also think this is a great chance to move the (my) spotlight to QUILTBAG POC and trans* rights.
Jim C. Hines
June 29, 2015 @ 1:50 pm
I know I tend to be overly optimistic about these things sometimes, but my hope is that the Supreme Court ruling on marriage will provide additional legal and social leverage to keep pushing for housing and employment protections, and to continue whittling away at discrimination.
Avilyn
June 29, 2015 @ 3:34 pm
As much as I am looking forward to Revisionary, I can’t begrudge your lack of productivity on writing on Friday. 🙂 I was much the same, reading and watching celebrations online from my desk. It was a joyous thing, and I have hope that now that marriage equality is the rule of the land, housing/employment/other legalized forms of discrimination will be done away with soon.
Sally
June 29, 2015 @ 5:08 pm
⇑What s/he said.⇑
mjkl
June 29, 2015 @ 9:22 pm
Amen!
Quinalla
June 30, 2015 @ 12:15 pm
So happy for so many friends that can now marry in my state (Ohio, another with a constitutional amendment that was about the same as the MI one) if they choose and/or have their marriages they had performed elsewhere recognized now. Also hopeful that the strong language used in this ruling can be used to push for more rights on all fronts (housing, work, etc.) for LGBT folks. No it isn’t the end, but such an important victory and I’m so thankful the supreme court got this one right!
SherryH
June 30, 2015 @ 3:18 pm
I’ve been thinking about this in terms of racial justice, but I think it applies to marriage equality as well. In a sense, this is not my fight in the same way it is their fight. I’dont have to worry that I’ll be discriminated against in housing, that my sons will be stopped for driving or walking down the wrong street, that I’ll be without legal standing should something happen to my partner. I have the privilege to walk away.
But we are all part of society, and if one group–or one member–within that society is treated with injustice, that injustice reverberates throughout our society and affects us all. In that sense, it is my fight, needs to be my fight, as it needs to be everybody’s.
I am proud to do what I can, in the little ways I am able, to stand beside those who are on the receiving end of our society’s injustice. I couldn’t be more pleased with Friday’s ruling, or happier for those who now have the right to marry the person they love. It’s about time!
Thomas Hewlett
June 30, 2015 @ 4:08 pm
I’m 41 as well and I cringe in shame remembering that game. And I remember hearing that line from “Teen Wolf” and laughing. I didn’t really get it but I got it – meaning I internalized the message and the hate. It’s so easy and so quick to internalize hatred when it’s socially acceptable. Or when it comes from your family. When I was a little kid we moved into a house previously rented by a gay couple. My dad said, “Guess we’re going to have to steam clean all the toilet seats!” and everyone laughed. It took a long to root out that prejudice and I’m not even done because it’s an ongoing process of discovery and work.
But my hope is that kids seeing the rainbow colored White House and the rainbow filtered FB profiles of the adults in their lives are getting their own positively internalized messages. I hope they’re hearing that hatred isn’t acceptable and love is something to be protected and celebrated. This ruling affects them, me and everyone in this country.
Marina
June 30, 2015 @ 7:59 pm
I was homeschooled, and thus spared some of the bigotry in public school. It wasn’t until college in the early 2000s that I really started to think about whether I had an opinion on LGBT rights; I was priveledged not to have to think about it until then. My opinion solidified the moment my two best friends came out to me; in that moment, I suddenly realized what the core of the issue was. When they were surprised by my easy, casual acceptance, I just said “what I see is two people I care a great deal about who love each other”. It really was that simple, and I promised to one day sign their marriage certificate as a witness. They weren’t sure that would happen in their lifetimes. 10 years later, when marriage became legal in Minnesota, I signed that paper, and it was the proudest moment of my life. Now that marriage has become legal in the whole country, I feel more comfortable in my own, heterosexual marriage; it feels less like the ring on my finger is flaunting the fact that I have something they can’t. I’ve been intermittently crying tears of joy since Friday morning. Yes, I recognize that in many ways we still have far to go, but I continue to believe that things can and do get better.