Depression Update
What if I don’t want to pretend to be happy today?
That thought ran through my head as I hung up the phone at work after helping another user with our applications.
It’s been just over four months since I started taking Zoloft for depression, and about two and a half months since I began seeing a counselor. Overall, I think my life has gotten better … but it’s certainly not perfect, nor is it ever going to be.
Release week for Libriomancer was amazing and wonderful and a lot of fun. It was also exhausting and at times incredibly stressful. I can’t wait for Worldcon, but I know it’s also adding stress and anxiety to my life.
A lot of what I’ve been working on during therapy deals with stuff at home, which I’m not going to get into here. Suffice it to say, some things have improved, while others are more of a work-in-progress.
I think that’s what I’m running into now: the “in-progress” part of it all. This isn’t an instant fix. And the early energy of “Yay, I’m Doing Something About My Depression!” has worn off.
And sometimes things slip. I woke up with low blood sugar at 2 a.m. the other night, which meant I was exhausted the next day at work, and the whole day just kind of steamrollered me from there. I give myself permission to have fun and spend an hour playing the Star Wars game we borrowed from a friend, and then feel guilty and more overwhelmed by the stuff I didn’t get done.
On a personal level, this week has pretty much sucked. And that’s going to happen. Nobody gets all good days. But it’s hard. In the back of my mind, I start thinking that maybe the meds aren’t helping as much, or maybe the therapy hasn’t done enough–
No, that’s not true. What I really start thinking is that I’ve failed. That if I were doing a better job of listening and understanding and working in therapy, the conversation that spiraled so out of control last night never would have happened. That all of the relationships and issues I’m struggling with would be better. But things that made sense in the doctor’s office get all murky and messed up when I try to apply them to real life.
Maybe it is my failure. Or maybe that’s just life. (And these are not mutually exclusive possibilities.)
What I think I need to do is remind myself that this is a long-term process. To recognize that things have improved, overall. To give myself permission to have bad days, and to cut myself some slack when things fall apart.
All of which is easier said than done.
Dear Depression,
You win this round of lightsaber duel. But next time I talk to the therapist, I’m asking her for the cheat codes, and when I come back I’m going to slice your giblets off.
Sincerely,
Jim
LJCohen
August 22, 2012 @ 10:24 am
As someone who battles depression and who is watching her son going through it as well, I thank you for your open and frank discussions here. No one bats an eyelash when someone publicly talks about their cancer treatments or diabetes diagnosis, but depression is still a taboo subject in our society.
I like your idea of ‘cheat codes’. 🙂 Would like those, myself.
Noah McLaughlin
August 22, 2012 @ 10:28 am
Applause for your courage to not only tackle your depression, but to talk about your struggles in such a public forum.
You’re in the thick of it, and from there it’s hard to tel which way is up, down or out. But you have a great attitude: get those cheat codes! Gut that foe! Keep at it and know that many people are pulling for you.
Jim C. Hines
August 22, 2012 @ 10:37 am
Thanks. As difficult a struggle as this has been, I can’t imagine how hard it would be to see your son going through the same struggle.
CHEAT CODES FOR ALL!!!
Jim C. Hines
August 22, 2012 @ 10:37 am
Thanks, Noah. It’s appreciated.
Stefan
August 22, 2012 @ 10:48 am
Cheat codes? All you need is a good tactical meeting with your therapist Jim. You know, thrust, spin, block, dramatic-Jedi glance. You can do this sir. I am still going through therapy myself so seeing you posting an update on your own condition is very inspiring.
Go, Jim, go!
Jim C. Hines
August 22, 2012 @ 10:54 am
I should bring in a pair of lightsabers to my next session, just to see how she reacts.
Elre
August 22, 2012 @ 11:14 am
I found this blog particularly helpful: http://thebloggess.com/2012/04/depression-lies/
It even has a make your own bracelet 🙂
Leslie
August 22, 2012 @ 11:18 am
Oh Jim, I am right there with you. Some days are good, and some days are like you said – I feel like a failure because I snapped at my husband, or watched TV instead of doing laundry. I keep having to remind myself that I can’t fix everything all at once. But some days it’s so hard. I continue to appreciate your willingness to share your struggles. I think I’ll ask my therapist for the cheat codes today, too. 🙂
Crystal Bryant
August 22, 2012 @ 11:20 am
Depression sucks. Just try to remember that depression lies. And you rock. And that you’re not alone. This vid from The Bloggess keyed me into that, and when I have those days, weeks, months, where it feels like I’m never going to feel not sad, I remind myself that depression lies. Depression Lies
Thanks for being open about your journey.
Colleen
August 22, 2012 @ 11:20 am
Jim, this:
“What I really start thinking is that I’ve failed. That if I were doing a better job of listening and understanding and working in therapy, the conversation that spiraled so out of control last night never would have happened. That all of the relationships and issues I’m struggling with would be better. But things that made sense in the doctor’s office get all murky and messed up when I try to apply them to real life.”
I actually just read an article yesterday that was about this exact thing: Deconstruction: Depression Diaries and It’s Okay To Be Sad
I don’t know the woman who writes that blog; I just follow it. But as a fellow struggler with depression, it rang true.
Random Michelle
August 22, 2012 @ 11:21 am
Thank you again for sharing this. I think that when we have the courage to be open about our depression, it makes it easier others who are struggling to feel less alone.
I’m also glad your both getting help, and recognizing there are no perfect or easy fixes.
I am currently struggling myself, to separate outside problems (grief) from depression, and it’s not an easy task, even for someone who has dealt with this for years.
Please remain strong, and please, keep sharing your struggle. It makes me (and I presume others) feel much less alone as we struggle.
Paige Vest
August 22, 2012 @ 11:35 am
Thanks for sharing with us, Jim. I’ve never sought any help for the way I feel much of the time but I’ve been told by someone close to me (paraphrasing here but hoping that all of the vitriol is apparent) that I’m depressed and that it’s pretty irritating to deal with me. Which, you know, is kind of depressing and makes it feel as though those around me think that this is something I’m doing intentionally to annoy them and/or seek attention.
In a society that looks down on people who are suffering from this affliction, it’s difficult sometimes to reach out and seek help and understanding. So thanks again for sharing.
Nicholas
August 22, 2012 @ 11:37 am
Just commenting to say that I was going to post the exact same link.
Mishell Baker
August 22, 2012 @ 11:48 am
Since my diagnosis in 2003, I think of my progress as a sort of line graph. It dips and plunges and climbs seemingly at random, making less sense the smaller period of time I look at. Only after about two years did I start to notice that the random backslides and improvements and double-backslides and slow gradual re-improvements added up to an average upward trend. Mental health treatment is definitely a “zoom out and look at the big picture” kind of scenario. In fact, catastrophic backslides along the lines of “I was better than this before I STARTED therapy” are also par for the course.
But man, I am SO much better now than I was 9 years ago I can’t even put it into words. If it could be quantified, I would say my life is at least ten times better, and I’m at least ten times more functional in every way.
xiilnek
August 22, 2012 @ 11:56 am
I just wanted to thank you for sharing things like this with us. I feel like it’s doing a lot of good for a lot of people to see the realities of dealing with it, that everything’s not going to be perfect right away but that it can be dealt with. That they might not feel like it right now but that things are going to be okay. I really admire you for the attitude with which you ended this entry, and I appreciate that you share your experiences with so many people. Thank you.
J.Swan
August 22, 2012 @ 11:59 am
Jim, I don’t have any pearls of wisdom for you, just support and best wishes. Remember that everyone struggles–despite all facades, the people you may see and envy all have their own secret problems too. At least you are working to fix things instead of ignoring issues.
I hope next week is a better week for you.
Jacqie
August 22, 2012 @ 12:15 pm
Thanks for having the courage to put this out there- it means a lot to me to see someone else dealing with similar issues to mine.
I also had a bad relationship night last night. I know that my husband has to deal with my depression, and that it’s not fun for him, and then I feel guilty and worthless because of his pain and because I label myself as a bad wife. I don’t know what I can do about that except to keep on keeping on, though.
I believe that this is Mental Health Awareness Week, or some such. So your posts on depression, while always very useful and helpful to me, are also timely.
Jim C. Hines
August 22, 2012 @ 1:24 pm
Ack – once again I’m falling behind on comments. I will try to reply later, but I wanted to say thank you to everyone for your support. It means a lot.
Wintermute
August 22, 2012 @ 1:38 pm
Jim, my wife suffers from depression, but I would be lying if I said I knew what you’re going through. I can empathize, though, and I certainly know what your loved ones are going through. As someone above stated, “depression lies.” We know this. We accept you the way you are, depression and all. We support you in your fight, and as long as you have that, you’ve won 🙂
Cat Sittingstill
August 22, 2012 @ 2:29 pm
Maybe this relationship stuff is like playing the mandolin. I practice and I can do the song–and then when I’m in front of an audience it all falls apart and I make mistakes and sometimes I can recover and sometimes it really falls apart and I can’t.
And it’s discouraging because I did this perfectly in practice just yesterday dammit.
But as I keep practicing and thinking gee I’m getting better, my performances get better too. They’re almost never as good as I did it in practice, but they’re better than other times I performed.
Maybe it’s like that. You’ve only been learning this stuff for a while–of course you can’t perform it perfectly yet. But keep practicing and you’ll get better.
And eventually you’ll be able to do it without the cheat codes.
LadyC
August 22, 2012 @ 2:48 pm
“But things that made sense in the doctor’s office get all murky and messed up when I try to apply them to real life.”
Thank you for that, Jim. I’ve been feeling the same way, and you were able to put it into words much better than I could.
LauraA
August 22, 2012 @ 3:04 pm
My predisposition is towards anxiety rather than depression, but there are thought patterns in common. I’m finding that the older I get, the better I’m getting at recognizing certain kinds of thoughts that I have – the ones that make sweeping generalizations about myself or various circumstances – as more accurately being about very temporary things. There’s one line of stressful thought that often pops up when I’m very tired, or frazzled, or both, for example, and I’m much better at I used to be at recognizing it as such: “Oh, there goes that type of thought again, I must be very tired right now.” That helps me to not get caught up in the content of the thought itself but rather to defer judgment on the matter until I’ve rested.
It’s my understanding that therapy for depression often works in this direction too. I’m sure that it can be more difficult to ascribe negative thoughts and moods to transient conditions when one is more caught up in an overall negative pattern (and its associated biochemistry), and I know that I’m blessed in that I wake up feeling generally perky inside, at least to start the day, which probably makes it much easier for me to see the truth in the “oh, it was just temporary” judgments of feelings. Based on what you’re writing, though, it sounds like you’re making this type of progress too. “I had a rough night” is much more constructive (and probably much more accurate) than “I am a ________” (fill in the blank with your choice of irredeemably negative noun of agency). And permission to have bad days sounds good; after all, we all have bad days, right? So – from here it looks like you’re moving in a healthy direction. Congrats.
Ken Marable
August 22, 2012 @ 3:12 pm
My wife was diagnosed with depression several years ago, so I have definitely witnessed much of it first-hand and being a “I have to understand things” type have read quite a bit on the subject. One of the hardest things she has struggled with is that there are really two pretty big, separate components to depression. There’s the emotional lows and then there’s the lack of motivation (which I have explained to her family over and over with a broken starter car engine analogy, that it isn’t a matter of “just get off the couch and do something”).
With the two separate parts, unfortunately, from what I have read and seen with my wife, they can get better at different rates (as well as have separate ups and downs). It can actually get even more frustrating when commonly during recovery the emotional lows are stabalizing but you still are having trouble getting done what needs to be done. That just starts the sprial of “it’s not depression, I’m just lazy”, “I’ll never be better”, etc. nonsense. But it is completely different parts of the brain affected by the depression and it shouldn’t be surprising at all when they improve differently – not to mention that improvement isn’t a straight line, but a slow retraining of millions of neural paths.
But, like everyone else, thank you for writing about this. It is tragic that mental illness is treated as such a taboo. The brain is an organ like our hearts, lungs, liver, etc. It is no different than cancer, heart disease, or other major ailment – in fact, depression has a mortality rate as high as some cancers, but people look at you weird when you tell them that since it doesn’t fit their image of mental illness versus physical illness.
Jeff Dougan
August 22, 2012 @ 3:31 pm
I think that if Ryan Macklin & Phil Menard (aka the Chatty DM) do their seminar on mental health (depression specifically) among gamers at Gen Con 2013, you need to go take part. Don’t really know what else to say.
C.C. Finlay
August 22, 2012 @ 3:47 pm
Jim, we’ve got to make time to sit down and talk again sometime. Next year at Monkeycon?
TheFish
August 22, 2012 @ 4:44 pm
Hi, Jim! I found you via some searches about a topic I’m trying to write about – firstly, let me please say I’m impressed. Among the other things you’re doing, I think it’s wonderful to see men speaking out against rape culture in our society (and at the same time, it makes me ill that a man in such a position is so rare and wonderful to see, rather than boring and mainstream!). I appreciate you and much of what you’ve written.
But on to the real reason I’m responding to this blog entry.
I’ve been dealing with depression for much of my life, and adjusted well to the medications I am now stably taking. I still have unreasonably bad days, but they’re a lot less common now. When I was still adjusting, and when those bad days happened frequently, there was one surefire tactic to smooth myself over. I don’t know if it will apply in your situation, or if it will help even if it does, but it made a huge difference to me, especially considering what a simple thought process it is.
It’s pretty basic and obvious, actually. I can remember how horrifically depressed I was when I started understanding that what I was feeling wasn’t okay. I can remember a lot of the things that were ruinous in my life (abusive now-ex husband, dangerous living situation, etc.). I think back to those times and realize how seriously different my life now is, and how well I’m actually doing. That’s it. Just reminding myself how crappy things actually weren’t.
I even remember back in my darkest days realizing how much worse things could be but weren’t – I had food, clean water, shelter…. No one was likely to kill me, my chances for winding up on a cannibal’s dinner table were pretty slim, and, most importantly, I had control of my destiny. Sure, things sucked pretty badly. But I had the ability to change that.
Of course, I’m also the kind of person who takes immense satisfaction in my own complete insignificance, which I guess is pretty weird. But seriously…. When the sun goes nova and our planet burns, when our galaxy collapses, when nothing our human race has ever known or learned matters anymore, my problems will have been irrelevant for millennia. On the grander scheme of things, my problems are irrelevant _right now_. That makes me feel a little more free to accept my hurt, and to move on toward doing things that might make a difference to the other fleeting lives around me. It makes me recognize that life is now, life is me, life is mine, and I can do my best and enjoy it, and share it with others, because in the long run, it just won’t matter. I can’t screw anything up so badly that it’ll matter in an astronomical time scale. I can focus on doing the best I can for my self and my friends and my loved ones, without the looming fear that it won’t be good enough. To me, that is a sincere comfort.
jocelynk414
August 22, 2012 @ 4:57 pm
I, too, was going to point Ana Mardoll’s link out. I’ve been thinking a lot about depression lately (and specifically about writers dealing with depression). I guess I’m not alone.
sistercoyote
August 22, 2012 @ 5:01 pm
Jim,
It’s hard. I was trying to explain to someone else, someone who does not suffer from depression, that a lot of the time with my depression I feel like “it gets better” doesn’t really apply. It gets more manageable, I suppose would be a more accurate way of looking at it.
What if I don’t WANT to pretend to be happy today?
I ask myself this question a lot.
It would be so nice if we could just not, wouldn’t it? To have that energy that goes into pretending we’re happy, pretending we’re “normal” (whatever “normal” means) free to use for creating or taking care of the people who love us or whatever we want to use it for.
You don’t have to want to pretend to be happy.
What I think I need to do is remind myself that this is a long-term process. To recognize that things have improved, overall. To give myself permission to have bad days, and to cut myself some slack when things fall apart.
Remember that progress is not a straight line from zero, slanted up to the right. It’s an upward-trending sine wave. Sometimes, we’re in a low, or we backslide, and that’s okay, it’s part of the process.
Susan
August 22, 2012 @ 5:22 pm
The other posters have said things so much better than I ever could. The only 2 cents I’ll throw in is that it’s hard just earning a living and getting by in daily life. It’s hard dealing with a chronic physical illness/disability. It’s hard dealing with depression. Any one of these alone is a challenge. There are no quick fixes; it’s a win some, lose some deal. You just keep slogging forward, enjoying the good times, and cutting yourself slack for the not-so-good times. (Good grief. I just read that back to myself and wondered if there was a cliche I missed. But I’ll let it all stand.)
No response necessary. I just wanted you to know that was one more person in your virtual corner.
Sarah
August 22, 2012 @ 6:10 pm
I have been struggling with dysthymia since I was 14, and had post-partum depression two years ago. I finally got on medication last winter, and I’ve been in therapy for a year and a half now. My therapist had to remind me over and over that even though things were still not the way I wanted them to be, they were better than they had been.
I struggled a long time with smiling. I think fake smiling, pretending to be happy, is lying. I don’t smile unless I mean it, and then the skin around my eyes crinkles and it changes everything. I can smile more often now than I ever have before. It’s okay to not pretend. I wouldn’t say to go out and tell everyone that you have the crankies right then, but it’s okay to be honest. It’s okay to say fine, as in, I’m functioning. Maybe not at optimal levels, but I’m okay. It’s okay to not pretend to be perky and smiling and tell everyone, “Oh, I’m great today.”
I’ve been working on talking back to the negative self-talk. The “I can’t”s, the “I failed”s, the “I don’t want”s. I can. I’m not a failure. Etc. I’m a work in progress. You are too.
I feel guilty about taking time out for myself too. My last therapist wrote me a “Prescription for Change” and told me to take time for myself everyday, even if only for five minutes. Really relaxing and enjoying yourself helps you deal with other stress. Have you heard the bucket metaphor? When all of your resources are gone, your bucket is empty. Sometimes you can take that time out for yourself and the inside of your bucket gets damp, but there’s still a hole at the bottom so you don’t actually carry any water (any joy) around in your bucket. Eventually you may have an inch of water in your bucket even if the depression is still trickling water away from a pinhole in the bottom of your bucket. Give yourself permission to take care of you. If you take care of yourself, you’ll be better able to care for others and handle things differently.
Anyhow, I just wanted to say that your being in treatment is great. Recognizing that you just had a rough day is important. It really does get better. Thank you for sharing, and I’d like to think you feel encouraged by all the comments to continue on with a sense of hope. Good luck and God bless you for your openness.
Jim C. Hines
August 22, 2012 @ 7:59 pm
Agreed!
Not familiar with Monkeycon, though. I take it you’re not going to be at Worldcon?
C.C. Finlay
August 22, 2012 @ 8:03 pm
Monkeycon is an old Strange Horizons joke. And I’m old and have a strange horizon.
I’ll be at Worldcon for one day only! And few hours. Arriving Friday night, doing the writers’ workshop on Saturday, and then taking off again earlyish on Sunday. But it’d be good to squeeze something in while I’m there.
KatG
August 22, 2012 @ 10:55 pm
Today I had to deal with problems with my teen’s computer that kept her from easy access to the Internet, picking her up from a shopping trip with a friend, furniture delivery, my sister complaining about her kids, looking up a lot of stuff, house stuff, a missing phone receiver, etc. I’d had little sleep the night before, barely any food during the day and felt physically lousy. I ended up lying down and watching Storage Wars on t.v. for an hour and then doing silly things on the Internet tonight instead of all the things I should probably try to get done since nothing useful got done today. It wasn’t a bad day, exactly — nothing horrible happened if you don’t count the continuing computer problem, and hey, we got furniture! but it was a stressful day and certainly not a day where I was happy or healthy, and where I had to worry over all the concerns, needs and problems of people I love, but sincerely, please, can’t they all just leave me alone, like temporarily disappear to Bora Bora and take the service people with them. I don’t want to be a grown-up on those days; I want to be a hermit and watch butterflies or something. If you add to that serious neurochemical depression on top of usual stress and struggle to move the Sisyphus rock up the hill, yes, sometimes you will find yourself staring at a t.v. show that you don’t understand why you’re watching it or having an argument at 2:00 a.m. on the Internet with people who you would run away from on the street or just snarling at everyone and feeling guilty on how you just never manage to do anything. Look at the Olympic athletes, etc.
But the funny thing is, Jim, you’re an Olympian to a lot of us. You’ve written and published eight novels and assorted other projects, building a larger and larger audience. You have several beautiful children and an amazing wife. You help people in your day job and in the past. You probably would win a who’s the most advanced awareness male feminist of SFFH writers contest. Your blog posts are shared about the Internet and you created a SFF community meme with your photos. You’ve been an honored guest at conventions. Bookstore people talk about your stuff with glee. People have passionate arguments over characters you created. Several thousand people have as something they’re looking forward to in their lives getting their copy of Libromancer and reading it. I know of at least one acquaintance who was enormously helped in her life by your Princess books. I have yet to encounter anyone who believes that Jim Hines is a jerkface.
Depression doesn’t care, of course. Depression says you’re a fake, failing, tired weakling who can’t even face the day. And sometimes, you won’t be able to. It’s okay not to be happy and not pretend. You can’t face demons if you’re pretending they aren’t there. But as a spare light saber in the stressful days, remember, you’re still an Olympian to the rest of us and we root for you. Olympians sometimes stumble — snap their leg and fall over a hurdle, crash on a ski slope — but that they tried at all, that they went at the hurdles, were on the ski slope in the first place, is the achievement we truly appreciate. And if you don’t always even get on the ski slope? Enh, maybe the next day.
Jim C. Hines
August 23, 2012 @ 10:01 am
I go through that same thing with karate. There’s a kata I was able to get through in its entirety on Monday, but when I came home and tried it the next day, I completely flubbed the ending and couldn’t remember what I was doing.
It’s really annoying, isn’t it?
Jim C. Hines
August 23, 2012 @ 10:04 am
I think I’m struggling with the idea of this as a chronic condition like the diabetes. There’s a part of me still hoping that with time and therapy, I’ll get to the point where it’s not really a factor anymore. I don’t know if that’s realistic or not, though…
So you’re saying it’s kind of a wibbly-wobbly, siney-winey progression? 🙂
(And if you’re not a Doctor Who fan, then that made no sense whatsoever…)
sistercoyote
August 23, 2012 @ 3:32 pm
I had the same struggle, honestly.
The diabetes comparison is pretty spot on, in that my depression is something I’m going to have to manage for the rest of my life. (I’ve been living with depression since I was sixteen(ish), and it’s only been treated for the last twelve years (I’m forty three). And I still feel like I’m learning.) I would say it is unlikely that time and therapy will make it not really a factor for you, but everyone’s different so I’m not saying that for sure! Don’t want to set you up for a negative self-fulfilling prophesy. 🙂
And even if it does remain a factor, like diabetes it is a factor that can be managed. (she repeats herself when she’s under stress…) <- King Crimson fans might get this reference.
Oddly enough, I’m not particularly a Doctor Who fan BUT I am familiar with the scene in question.
And yes, I would say that’s a fair description. 😀
Steve Buchheit
August 23, 2012 @ 9:54 pm
When then interior conversation gets to the exchange of, “Why did I do that? Well, because you’re an idiot/stupid/dumb, that’s why,” I know it’s the big-D calling. I can beat up on myself pretty well, but when I start crossing over from “making mistakes” to personal attacks on myself, that’s when I know.
Jim C. Hines
August 24, 2012 @ 4:31 pm
Yeah, one of the things I’m struggling with right now is the difference between “Is this just a crappy day?” and “Is this the depression sneaking back up on me?” I hate not being able to tell the difference, and I think that might be something I bring up next week.
LeAnn Holcomb
August 27, 2012 @ 8:56 am
Depression is The Thing with a Thousand Faces. That’s what makes it so damn hard to see sneaking up on you again. Depression is the monster that eats your will. Stubbornly hanging on to your routine in the absence of will is a good strategy for starving the monster. In time, the will percolates back up to the top of your personal wellspring. It comes back faster with the support of family, friends, professional counselors and meds. But even in the absence of those, in the fullness of time, the will comes back. Pretending I am happy is the part of the routine I do that helps take care of those around me, until I can get to pro help, or just the point in time when it starts to get better. I decided this weekend that I want something like an AA group for those of us who live with the monster. No names, just stories, struggles, and sharing the fight.
I’v had this for forty years, and it hasn’t killed me yet. And it isn’t going to. I can’t slay it but I can out-stubborn it.
Sean
August 28, 2012 @ 3:09 pm
Hey Jim, the only thing i can say about your depression is “suck it up” a life long family motto, ps the new wife hates the motto. Talk to people, get it out of your system and remember that life is far to precious of a gift to let it be wasted. Basically im saying is find that thing that will help you move on, and steel yourself forever from that depression. A fight i won finally, good luck with yours…ps in your new libromancer book what language is zwelf meaning twelve from? i thought maybe you meant german but that is zwolf, with an umlaut over the o. Just curious
Jim C. Hines
August 28, 2012 @ 3:13 pm
Sean – it’s Middle High German.