Muppet Sex and Other Questions

I haven’t yet seen the new Muppet movie, but I want to. I’ve been hearing good things about it from almost everyone, except for one or two people who HAVE NO SOULS. (::Waves to Charlie Finlay::)

So while I bide my time until I can get out and pay $10 to recapture my childhood for a few hours, here are some Muppet-related questions to ponder…

1. Are Muppets immortal? Some Muppets appear older than others: Statler and Waldorf, for example. Muppet Babies and the baby sequence in The Muppets Take Manhattan show that Muppets do start out as children. But why do some grow elderly while others seem frozen at a younger age, and do Muppets ever die? More importantly, can this biological quirk be extracted and harnessed for our own use? Do these seemingly-innocent creatures hold the key to eternal life? (This question was inspired in part by my comment that someone needs to make a Highlander/Muppets mash-up so that we can get Animal shouting “On-ly one! On-ly one!”)

2. Muppet sex. Kermit and Miss Piggy prove that you’ve got Muppet romance, but how do they make baby Muppets? Do Muppets have internal genitalia hidden within a flap of felt? Or do Muppets build their own young from scraps of foam and cloth and old ping pong balls? And what about Muppet/human relationships? Muppets are clearly attracted to other species. When a Muppet has sex with a human, does “protection” mean Scotchgard?

3. What are the religious implications? How are our organized religions different in a world with two intelligent species, a world where felt-based life evolved (or was intelligently designed) alongside carbon-based life? Is there a Muppet God? Many Muppets don’t seem to care about clothes, and they often seem to have an aura of innocence … could Muppets have avoided the taint of Original Sin? How many  Muppet-worshipping cults exist in that world? Do people go door-to-door asking if you’ve been saved by Kermit? (If not, they should!)

4. Criminal law. My son and I were watching old Muppet show episodes the other night, and Sweetums ate Candice Bergen’s camera. Kermit said, “That’s nothing. Last week he ate the guest!” To the best of my knowledge, no charges were ever filed. Of course, guests have also been known to go on a killing rampage against innocent Muppets (seriously, WTF???!!!) Are Muppets legal nonentities, immune from both prosecution or legal recourse for crimes committed against them? Did they negotiate some sort of diplomatic immunity, or are they considered a sovereign people with their own laws? Given the number of cannibalistic Muppets, this seems like a potentially terrifying culture to live in. (Though that could be my own humanist prejudices.) I’ll tell you one thing, though. If I ever had to live among Muppetkind, I’d be packing a good pair of craft scissors, sharp enough to pierce any Muppet gullet.

5. What about Muppets from Space? I reject your reality, and substitute my own. In my reality, NO SUCH MOVIE WAS EVER MADE! Moving on…

6. Who owns the patents from Muppet Labs? They invented a teleporter! Shrinking pills. Weaponized bananas! How do Muppets not own the whole damn world? They need a freaking Muppet patent lawyer. Or maybe they’re using their superior technology to keep humanity in line. Could these Muppet masterminds secretly be controlling the fate of the technologically inferior humans? Do they represent the beginning of what will eventually become the Eloi to our primitive Morlocks?

7. Why would anyone think about these things? What’s wrong with you? Eh. I’m a writer. It’s what we do…