Baby Got Books
Baby Got Books
by Jim C. Hines
(with apologies to Sir Mixalot)
Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her book.
It is so big. You could, like,
Fend off a rabid jaguar.
But, you know, who even reads those genres?
She only wants dragons and swords.
It’s not like that’s real literature, right?
I mean, her book, is just so big.
I can’t believe it’s just so thick, it’s like
Swollen, I mean – wow. Look!
It’s just so … fat.
I like big books and I cannot lie.
You other readers can’t deny
That when a kid walks in with The Name of the Wind
Like a hardbound brick of win.
Wanna swipe that thing
Cause you see that boy is speeding
Right through the book he’s reading.
I’m hooked and I can’t stop pleading.
Wanna curl up with that for ages,
All thousand pages.
Reviewers tried to warn me.
But with that plot you hooked
Me like Bradley.
Ooh, crack that fat spine.
You know I wanna make you mine.
This book is stella ’cause it ain’t some quick novella.
No time for writers
Whose work is much slighter.
One-shot plot, over quicker than a nickel slot.
I’m tired of magazines,
Tellin’ stories with just three scenes.
Take a fantasy fan and ask ’em if
They’d rather read Tolkien, so…
Readers (yeah), readers (yeah)
Go get Martin’s brand new book (hell yeah).
Well read it, read it, read it, read it, read that hefty book.
(Bulging shelves with the epic plotlines)
I like ’em thick and dense.
Good stories should be immense.
I just can’t stop myself.
I’m readin’ all of Wheel of Time,
Now where’s my Goodkind?
I wanna read Durham,
Scott Lynch and Pete Hamilton,
I don’t like my tales too quick.
Save flimsy old plots for SyFy flicks.
I want a twenty page prologue.
To write up on my blog.
Books with mad sequels.
Readers know they ain’t got no equals.
So I’m walking through my bookstore.
Searching the shelves for books I adore.
You can keep those slim things.
I want my novels like Rowling’s.
A word to the hard core writers.
Go pull an all-nighter.
I want that book wider.
But I gotta be straight when I say I’m gonna read
’Til the break of dawn.
Zelazny’s got it goin’ on.
A lot of folks don’t like ’em long.
’Cause them punks even skim the Brothers Grimm.
But I’d rather read it slow
’Cause I’ll savor the flavor
And I’m down to get the fiction on.
So bookstores (yeah), bookstores (yeah),
If you want me comin’ in through your doors (yeah),
Then turn ’em out,
Face ’em out,
Let me browse until I shout.
(Bulging shelves with the epic plotlines.)
When it’s my library,
Kirkus ain’t got nothing to do with my selection.
Anathem, Way of Kings, and Cyteen,
Sweetest sight I’ve ever seen.
So you only read the Cliff Notes,
Frightened off by the slightest bloat,
Well your mind is gettin’ swindled, ’cause the stories just dwindle.
My brand new Kindle is obese with books ten megs apiece.
You can do e-books or paper, but please don’t trim that book.
Some editors’ll say to cut that,
And tell you trim twelve chapters of fat.
So you slash and delete it.
But I’m sayin’ I want to read it.
Now some folks want ’em thin.
Well I say that’s a sin.
Gimme font that’s small, that’s a true temptation,
Something big like Foundation.
It’s the doorstop books that’ll make me grin.
Want to steal that thing.
Give me that tome I’m taking it home.
’Cause reading is in my genome.
Some critic she tried to dis
The books that were on my list.
She said Williams was dull and dreary.
McCaffrey just made her weary.
But writers if your book is fat,
And you’re sick of those one-star prats,
Click my contact link and e-mail me, ’cause this is where it’s at.
August 22, 2011 @ 9:46 am
Jim, this might be the greatest thing ever. LOVE it. Hilarious and awesome. Thanks for the laugh on a Monday! *grin*
August 22, 2011 @ 9:49 am
Oh, how I would love to hear an actual recorded version of this! 😀
Though it doesn’t mention what is probably the thickest single book I’ve read, “To Green Angel Tower” (book 3 of the Memory, Sorrow, and Thorn trilogy by Tad Williams). It was thicker than most of my college textbooks, including my Norton Anthologies. Come to think of it, I seem to recall some odd riff on “Rime of the Ancient Mariner” where he mocked the length of his own books…
August 22, 2011 @ 9:50 am
Made. Of. Win.
August 22, 2011 @ 9:54 am
Well, I guess it does mention Williams, just not the title itself. 🙂
August 22, 2011 @ 9:59 am
Perfect for a Monday morning.
Jim C. Hines
August 22, 2011 @ 10:00 am
I asked for suggestions over on Google+, and had a lot of titles and names, but I had to use what fit the rhythm of the song 🙂
August 22, 2011 @ 10:37 am
This must be performed at a con – Preferably by you and Seanan McGuire. I will fly out to a con where that will happpen!!
Jim C. Hines
August 22, 2011 @ 10:40 am
Well, Seanan and I will both be at ConClave in October…
I should warn you though that while Seanan is amazingly multitalented, me trying to perform this thing would probably be painful to everyone involved.
Stephen A. Watkins
August 22, 2011 @ 10:47 am
As has been said: This is made of pure win. Plus, with added awesome.
Also: Yes. This rhyme very much matches my own personal reading preferences.
August 22, 2011 @ 10:51 am
I wanted to go! But the wife and I will be in FLL prepping to cruise the Panama Canal that weekend (a frowny face doesn’t quite apply but I am a little disappointed)..
August 22, 2011 @ 12:02 pm
I just printed this off for my kids. I would so love this to become a thing at school. I can imagine kids doing this for the talent show!
You are AWESOME!
August 22, 2011 @ 12:08 pm
August 22, 2011 @ 12:15 pm
We are not worthy.
August 22, 2011 @ 12:17 pm
I was actually crying with laughter by the time I got to “Zelazny’s got it goin’ on.” Thank you.
August 22, 2011 @ 12:24 pm
This is GENIUS. Can I have your permission to post it on our book review site, with all credit and linking straight back to your site, of course?
August 22, 2011 @ 12:25 pm
This is just the most awesome of awesome sauce, Jim! As much as I like my fluff Para. Romance and Urban Fantasy there is absolutely NOTHING like a fat epic fantasy to sit down with!
August 22, 2011 @ 12:32 pm
And the print version of Game of Thrones can hammer in a chair wheel in a pinch, too!!
August 22, 2011 @ 1:26 pm
Some parts didn’t rhyme but all in all pretty clever.
Jim C. Hines
August 22, 2011 @ 1:30 pm
Thank you! If you refer to the original lyrics, you should find that the rhyme scheme matches up.
August 22, 2011 @ 2:34 pm
I had to share this on Google+ and a couple other locations. I love it. I have to admit, I have chosen my books on the basis of thickness; the thicker the better.
August 22, 2011 @ 3:19 pm
Awesome doesn’t even begin to describe this. Especially hitting that rap standard of only making things semi-rhyme. It was annoying until I realized “Hey, this is how the song really is.” I tweeted the link. Couldn’t resist doing that.
Jim C. Hines
August 22, 2011 @ 3:22 pm
Thanks! I had the lyrics up on the screen as I was working, and I kept stumbling over lines where I wanted to force a rhyme and the song just … didn’t. I cheated in one or two spots, but mostly I tried to stay true to the original.
August 22, 2011 @ 6:56 pm
Best song rewrite ever! I have to post this link to my Facebook page right now.
Manic Monday « The End Of Nowhere
August 22, 2011 @ 7:42 pm
[…] C. Hines gets his rap on. (I swear I laughed until I […]
August 22, 2011 @ 8:08 pm
Oh yeah. Just what I needed after a Monday at work, with bonus paint fumes. Thanks!
August 22, 2011 @ 9:19 pm
Jim just did filk. This must be done at a con, soon. And recordings posted. Jim, I’m going to send the link to Tom Smith and Luke Ski. This is great!!!!!!!!!!!
Jim C. Hines
August 22, 2011 @ 9:40 pm
Thanks, Holly! Tom is actually on my LJ friends list, and has already seen it. Don’t know about Luke, though 🙂
Jim C. Hines’ “Baby Got Books” « The Undiscovered Author
August 22, 2011 @ 9:52 pm
[…] A little something to brighten your Monday evening: Jim C. Hines has written what is quite probably the greatest song parody ever in the history of song parodies. […]
August 22, 2011 @ 11:46 pm
August 23, 2011 @ 1:13 pm
The poem that you’re thinking of is called “Rime of the Ancient Trilogist”. I just Googled it and, sadly, most of the sites that used to host it (including William’s own website) no longer have it. But I did find it buried on a Spanish Yahoo Group message board. Ignore the Spanish parts of the page and read the poem. It’s worth it.
August 23, 2011 @ 1:55 pm
Loved this. I found it through a tweet by Brandon Sanderson who posted because Way of Kings was mentioned. Good Job!
August 23, 2011 @ 11:17 pm
OMG! This is the most awesome thing EVER!!! I feel like such a geek though! 😛
Jim C. Hines
August 24, 2011 @ 7:51 am
“I feel like such a geek though!”
You say that like it’s a bad thing! 😉
Interesting Writings While Prepping for the Hurricane « The Open Window
August 25, 2011 @ 9:13 pm
[…] http://www.jimchines.com/2011/08/baby-got-books/ […]
August 26, 2011 @ 10:10 am
I’ll see Tom at Context today, and will ask him. And will show to Scalzi, though he’s probably already seen it.
August 28, 2011 @ 2:58 am
I love this, will share this. And I am very very confused.
Many years ago (7 or so) something very much like this appeared on the Girl Genius mailing list, attributed to Nick Pollata, under the name “Baby Got Bibliography”. I have looked for it since, and can find no reference to it. Not suggesting you copied it, just that there may be a pre existing filk along the same lines, that you may want to be aware of. Great minds think alike, and all that.
Jim C. Hines
August 28, 2011 @ 9:28 am
Interesting. Nope, never heard of it, but let me know if you find it online. I’d be curious to compare my version with what he came up with.
Humpday Links for August 31 | Renaissance Dork
August 31, 2011 @ 10:04 am
A few links….
September 2, 2011 @ 2:49 pm
[…] over on his blog, Jim Hines recently did a parody/tribute to “Baby Got Back” called “Baby Got Books” wherin he states in no uncertain terms that he likes girls with big books. And boys with big books, […]
September 6, 2011 @ 10:58 am
ROFLMAO!!!!!!!! Truly awesome. I’ve got to share this with all my fantasy addict friends. Loved it.
September 6, 2011 @ 11:32 pm
Epic! (Just like the books!) I’ve read just about everything in your song. Am I bringing sexy back? 😛
Fantasy Literature's Fantasy Book and Audiobook Reviews
September 14, 2011 @ 12:01 pm
[…] Jim Hines Raps: Words cannot describe how terrible and yet totally awesome this […]
September 29, 2011 @ 1:38 pm
Love this, found it through Patrick Rothfuss’s blog. 🙂
Didn’t even realized I had read three of your books until I saw them up on the top. (Sorry… but I bought ’em. So you’re welcome. ;))
Jim C. Hines
September 29, 2011 @ 1:58 pm
Thank you! And never apologize for reading someone’s books 😉
September 30, 2011 @ 6:14 pm
Absolutely brilliant. Well done!
October 5, 2011 @ 3:56 am
Nice! How do you feel about people covering this and putting it on YouTube? 🙂
Jim C. Hines
October 5, 2011 @ 9:58 am
I’m fine with it, as long as:
1) It’s noncommercial
2) You send me a link 🙂
October 10, 2011 @ 2:10 am
I will certainly keep you updated if I can get my more talented friends to help me with it. 🙂
October 24, 2011 @ 2:57 am
I laughed until I cried because Baby Got Back is one of my favorite songs and this was so perfect. I kept reading bits to my husband until he thought I was mental. 🙂
October 28, 2011 @ 2:21 pm
This is brilliant! Thanks so much!!!!
November 14, 2011 @ 10:20 pm
It’s actually called “Baby got Epilogue” and a yahoo message with the lyrics is here: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/girlgenius/message/3274 (Psst, I like yours better ;-))