Ask a Goblin
Quick note: Apparently there’s another LiveJournal exodus going on. This makes me a little sad, because while I do mirror this blog, the best discussions tend to be on LJ. But for those going elsewhere, I’m also on Dreamwidth as jimhines, and there’s also my jimchines.com blog and RSS feed.
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Taking an idea from Mrissa, welcome to “Ask a Goblin.” Post a question in the comments, and Jig & company will do their best to answer.
I’ll try to respond to as many as I can. (I don’t promise the answers will be accurate or useful, but hopefully they’ll be fun.)
Ask now! The goblins are standing by…
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Disclaimer: All answers are the opinions of the goblins, and may not reflect the attitudes of Jim C. Hines or any civilized human being. Please do your own research before following any advice given by goblins. Answers are provided without guarantees or warranties of any kind. Goblins have not been evaluated or approved by the FDA. Reading tiny disclaimers may cause eyestrain. Goblins reserve the right to eat anyone who asks stupid questions. Goblins are for external use only. Answers should be hand-washed with like colors. Do not feed goblins after midnight. Do not mix goblins with platypuses. Platypii. Platypeople? You know what I mean. Please dispose of this blog post in the proper recepticle. Upon further research, knowing is only 36.4% of the battle.
Sean S.
September 13, 2010 @ 11:04 am
Can Golaka send me her recipe for Yak Hair Stew?
Jim C. Hines
September 13, 2010 @ 11:05 am
Golaka is not online, but she said to stop by the lair and she’d be happy to help.
She also asked if you’d dab some of this barbequeue sauce on yourself before you visit…
JoshV
September 13, 2010 @ 11:15 am
Has there ever been a goblin philosopher akin to the human Confucius? Any wisdom to share?
Anita K.
September 13, 2010 @ 11:45 am
I will ask the ever-popular… What is the Meaning of Life?
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September 13, 2010 @ 11:46 am
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Jim C. Hines
September 13, 2010 @ 12:55 pm
Jig: Not dying, mostly.
Jim C. Hines
September 13, 2010 @ 12:57 pm
Jig: An outraged human once asked a goblin warrior, “You’d stab a man in the back?” The goblin replied, “It’s the safest way.” This is the beginning of goblin wisdom.*
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*This goblin wisdom may or may not have been blatantly ripped off from Garak on Deep Space Nine.
Katie
September 13, 2010 @ 2:46 pm
What’s the other 63.6%?
Jim C. Hines
September 13, 2010 @ 3:21 pm
I’m so glad somebody caught that 🙂
For goblins, the other 63.6% of the battle is an equal mix of:
1. Having bigger goblins to hide behind
2. Stabbing the enemy in the back
3. Running away
Steve Lewis
September 13, 2010 @ 4:04 pm
I’ve heard since Jig’s exploits have become famous that goblins have started emulating him and are developing their own forms of self defense. I was wondering if you could comment on that, particularly the Drunken Fire Spider style and Southern Carrion Worm vs Northern Carrion Worm style.
Jim C. Hines
September 13, 2010 @ 4:09 pm
Jig: You frighten me.
JoshV
September 13, 2010 @ 5:25 pm
Drunken Fire Spider style…isn’t that where you light yourself on fire and then try to hug as many people as possible before your skin melts off?
Steven Saus
September 13, 2010 @ 6:52 pm
Homework: Evil Incarnate or just yet another annoying thing to aggravate the fire spider burns?
Jim C. Hines
September 13, 2010 @ 8:29 pm
Veka: Depends on the school. With the one I went to, finding new and interesting ways to set things on fire is part of the curriculum.
Jim C. Hines
September 13, 2010 @ 8:31 pm
Jig: Many goblins subscribe to the belief that ninjas can’t catch you if you’re on fire.
Goblins die a lot…
Nicole Stevens
September 13, 2010 @ 11:39 pm
How do i become a follower of tymalous shadowstar?
liz
September 14, 2010 @ 12:16 am
do ogres really have layers?
Jim C. Hines
September 14, 2010 @ 8:36 am
You must first study the history of Tymalous Shadowstar (conveniently available in Goblin Quest, Goblin Hero, and Goblin War). You must then spread the good word by buying lots and lots of copies of the “holy” books and giving them to everyone. Go door-to-door. Send them to your loved ones. When some religious group comes to your home, respond by giving them a copy of the goblin trilogy.
In this way you spread the glory of the Shadowstar, and become favored in his twinkly sight.
Jim C. Hines
September 14, 2010 @ 8:37 am
Golaka: Maybe, but I prefer them ground into patties. Ogreburgers – they’re what’s for dinner! (Alternate slogan: Ogers – the other green meat!)
Anita K.
September 14, 2010 @ 3:23 pm
Oh heavens, if only I COULD give a nice boxed set of the Goblin books to every religious group that comes knocking! Thanks for the best stress-busting laugh of the day.
Sean
September 14, 2010 @ 8:00 pm
how many bites does it take to get to the center of an unladen swallow…
also, jig, i have seen many bumper stickers going around, wwjd, i hope you are getting royalties…….
Jim C. Hines
September 15, 2010 @ 8:28 am
Jig: Pah. I don’t even get money for the books Jim wrote. But he’ll still pay … one way or another.
Braf: 1/3 of a bite, because I like to eat three at once.