Buy My Book
Buy My Book
by Jim C. Hines
(To the tune of “Be Our Guest,” with apologies to Disney)
Congratulations to you, brand new author,
on the publication of your masterpiece.
And now I invite you to stop, step back, and listen
as readers throughout the world beg you: Please don’t be…
That Guy.
Buy my book!
Buy my book!
Just a dollar on your Nook!
Click the banner large and flashing please.
Oh, won’t you take a look?
It has twists!
It has turns!
(True, my prose makes eyeballs burn…)
Try one chapter.
You’ll be hooked!
(Though my plot is undercooked.)
Wait don’t leave, please don’t go,
It has wizards, don’t you know?
Sparkling wizards fighting in the Famine Games!
Won’t you just read the prologue?
Or the praise on my blog?
Buy my book,
Buy my book,
Buy my book!
When I go
to a con,
don’t care what the panel’s on.
I digress and push my book until
the topic’s long foregone.
Afterward,
off I zoom!
I’ll be in the dealer’s room.
Stalking everyone who passes,
selling my book to the masses!
“Don’t read her. Don’t buy that.
This book here is where it’s at!”
And I’ll follow you all day
to wear you down.
Come on and grab your cash
I’m better than that trash,
so buy my book.
You look shook.
Just relax and take a look.
Buy my book!
Buy my book!
Buy my book!
Life is oh so stressful,
When I’m feeling unsuccessful,
As I wait for fame and glory. It’s my due!
Where are my movie deals and fawning groupies?
When will all my writing dreams come true?
Five years I’ve been shilling,
pushing books at the unwilling.
I won’t stop until I’ve sold this book to you.
Every night I dream about the future.
I’ll be rich and famous.
Buy my book, you ignoramus!
Buy my book!
Buy my book!
I wrote such a thrilling hook.
Just peruse all these reviews.
You can’t refuse to take a look.
One from Mom.
Twelve from me.
(From my sock puppets, you see.)
Just ignore the one-star haters.
Jealous writers. My book’s greater!
Copy, paste, and repost.
Normally I hate to boast,
but I’ll spread the word across the Internet!
And when you shout “No spam!”
I’ll just repost again,
So buy my book!
Buy my book!
Buy my book!
Buy my book!
Buy my book!
Would you please just take a look?
I can’t sleep until my sales rankings go up
by hook or crook.
I’m obsessed,
yes it’s true,
with selling my book to you.
And you know I’ll just keep trying
’til you break down and start buying.
I won’t leave,
I won’t stop,
’til you call the nearest cop.
Then I’ll thrust at you my homemade business card.
So if you enjoy reading,
then to you I’m pleading,
Buy my book!
Buy my book!
Buy my book!
Please, buy my book!
Out. Standing.
You made me snort my coffee
You win +3 interwebz!
THIS. IS. WIN.
Indeed. This is the age of the Twitter Insta-Marketing Campaign.
P.S. Buy my book. Please.
(Just kidding. I don’t have a book to buy. Well… actually… there’s a couple copies of some old college textbooks in classes that nobody wants to take anymore… but I digress.)
Bwahaha! Well done, sir!
So true, so sad.
Beautiful. I especially appreciate that you made it neutral with regard to self-publication/small press vs traditional press — I think there’s a perception that this is an indie problem, but I don’t think it’s limited to that group of authors.
Excellently done.
Love.
I think i love you. This seriously made my day.
Sooooo…. is it out yet?
Not yet
ROTF….just giggled and scared the studiers in my library…
Sadly not just limited to authors of fiction.
Thank you for a lighter look (and a way to scrub the mental image of April Fool Icky Guy out of my head!!!!).
(And yes, must remember to go pre-order my copy of ‘Libriomancer’ somewhere along my way. Not that you asked me to do so. But I remembered anyway BECAUSE you’re Not That Guy. :>)
That was pure awesome.
I totally want to read a book about sparkling wizards fighting in the Famine Games now
You know, there’s a part of me that kind of wants to write one
If anyone could make it work, that would be you!
I wont be “That Guy.” Thank you for the heads up, Mr. Hines.
This completely made my day.
-Cat
Oo… Hey, can we sing this at Worldcon in Chicago this year?
As long as “we” does not include me, then yes
Awwww!
Seriously, I know a filker. If we do sing it I’ll try and get a recording for you.
Unless you’re going to be at Worldcon to see for yourself?
I will indeed be at Worldcon! I’ve also seen someone trying to persuade Seanan McGuire to sing this there…
She’ll be *so* difficult to persuade…
[...] First, to set the mood, I think it would be a good idea to sing along with Jim on this, so go here first and then come on back. I’ll [...]