 Read Chapter One: pdf, epub |
Choose the Form of the ScalziYesterday, the Aicardi Syndrome Foundation fundraiser crossed the $10,000 line, with twelve days left to go. I admit, I’m wincing a little in anticipation of all the poses yet to do, but mostly I’m just amazed and grateful and stunned and happy. Thank you all! I’m working on details of the $10,000 goal, and will post that as soon as things are finalized. Yesterday also saw the end of the first Jim Hines vs. John Scalzi pose-off, in which Mister Scalzi SHAMELESSLY tried to buy people’s votes by offering to donate more money to ASF. The NERVE of that guy! I’m happy to say I still won the pose-off, with 54% of the roughly 6500 votes. Here in the U.S., we call that a MANDATE! Score one for democracy But John Scalzi is not one to accept defeat. He has already challenged me to a rematch. A CHRISTMAS-THEMED rematch, to be posted on December 25!
Then I realized my brain was still pudding after hitting $10,000, and that I clearly needed help. So I turn to you for help, oh Internet! WHAT COVER SHOULD WE INFLICT UPON MISTER SCALZI? And also myself, since we’ll both be doing this one. Leave your suggestion in the comments, and if yours is chosen, I’ll send you an autographed copy of the Heroes in Training [Amazon | B&N | Mysterious Galaxy] anthology I edited a few years back. (I may also steal a few suggestions for the other cover poses I need to do. If I choose your idea for one of those, I’ll send you my undying gratitude!) # And in other awesome charity news, Peter Brett is once again organizing a Dungeons & Dragons game at ConFusion with me, Saladin Ahmed, Myke Cole, Pat Rothfuss, Mary Robinette Kowal, Diana Rowland, and Sam Sykes. And he’s auctioning off one additional spot in the game, with the proceeds going to Worldbuilders for Heifers International. 34 comments to Choose the Form of the Scalzi |
 Subscribe to RSS feed. |
|
Copyright © 2013 Jim C. Hines - All Rights Reserved |
||
I considered challenging him to do the cover of his own book The God Engines
My suggested pose is on the cover of FANGS FOR THE MAMMARIES: http://www.amazon.com/Fangs-Mammaries-Fantasy-Esther-Friesner/dp/1439133921/
What the hell, let’s go for way out there: Bimbos of the Death Sun! http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cckRai3su3c/TassnAYYSJI/AAAAAAABFmU/Oev-uRS-29E/s1600/0-37%2BSharyn%2BMcCrumb%2BBimbos%2Bof%2Bthe%2BDeath%2BSun%2BTSR087.jpg
I am concerned. If you’re branching out into the poses women strike in comic books, you’re going to kill yourselves.
If one of us dies, then he automatically forfeits the pose-off!
I think the victor should then raise a statue of you in your memory, in the pose that killed you.
But in that case, I offer you this, which is probably wouldn’t prove fatal although I’ve just tried it and though it looks simple it really isn’t possible and it hurts. Her knees would have to be at completely different levels.
http://www.comicbookmovie.com/fansites/JoshWildingNewsAndReviews/news/?a=66444
It’s particularly annoying because 1) it’s Adi Granov and WHAT ARE YOU DOING, ADI GRANOV, YOU DID IRON MAN EXTREMIS, I ONLY WANT TO LOVE YOU. 2) INSIDE the book, Wanda is warm, comfortable and attractive in a lovely coat and trousers, 3) Also inside the book, she is DOING THINGS, like trying to pay her respects to Charles Xavier, getting into a fight with Rogue, and then getting seriously injured by unexpected mutant kidnappers. Any of which you’d think might inspire a great piece of art from an artist who’s so good at painting gorgeous people doing interesting things, but, oh, no. Wanda’ll just be kneeling, pouting and grabbing her boob today.
Soulless–less sexualized than some, but oh that back! http://www.goodreads.com/book/photo/6381205-soulless
I went kind of classical.
Typical awful DAW book cover from the 70s: http://img1.bdbphotos.com/images/orig/r/d/rdqqcivr7xkqqkr.jpg
Horrendous cover for a Joanna Russ novel that must have given her nightmares: http://www.goodshowsir.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/We_who_are_about_to-e1352884225368.jpg
I’m… not actually sure someone could stay upright standing like this: http://www.goodshowsir.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/moonfernsandsc.jpg
The most unlikely position I’ve ever seen a man in on a cover: http://www.goodshowsir.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/wellofshiuah.jpg
The Martian Chronicles
http://www.amazon.com/Martian-Chronicles-Grand-Master-Editions/dp/0553278223/ref=cm_lmf_img_9
I’d like to suggest this:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Draw-Manga-Style-Chartwell-Books/dp/0785826688/ref=sr_1_86?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1355929959&sr=1-86
Because it is the illustration on the front of “how to draw” book. I know it seems a little bit mean, but if you can’t match a “how to” pose, then maybe it should be a “how not” instead?
Iron Kissed & River Marked by Patricia Briggs
I’d like to see him try Tom O’Bedlam’s Night Out http://pics.librarything.com/picsizes/ab/cf/abcfcb7733ebdf159724b766567444341587343.jpg
Ohhh, how about something from the worst of the worst? Gor covers! http://castleravenwood.epalaces.com/libraryofgor/bookcovers.htm
http://castleravenwood.epalaces.com/libraryofgor/graphics/bookcover10.jpg
http://castleravenwood.epalaces.com/libraryofgor/graphics/bookcover02.jpg
http://castleravenwood.epalaces.com/libraryofgor/graphics/bookcover03.jpg
What could be worse?
After seeing that Joanna Russ cover, I am not sure I can ever complain about a cover again….
There are serious contenders already listed. I bow to their memories.
Any of Robin Hobb’s ‘farseer’ covers, but particularly the Apprentice, since it brings to mind a sort of ‘father winter’ vibe, although it breaks the mold as the protaganist is a young man: http://www.amazon.com/Assassins-Apprentice-The-Farseer-ebook/dp/B000FBFMG6/ref=pd_sim_kstore_2
But then I decided to be serious, and a) go with a woman on the cover, and b) take to heart the original thought process of your project – so I limited myself to a search of hardbacks published in the last 30 days in the sci/fi fantasy section of amazon. And came up with this:http://www.amazon.com/Immortal-Secrets-Dungard-Ashley-Hengy/dp/1475964250/ref=sr_1_46?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1355935716&sr=1-46
“Immortal secrets”. Apparently the immortals want to keep secrets from women in strapless dresses?
Is it too evil to suggest “Green” by Jay Lake?
http://www.amazon.com/Green-Jay-Lake/dp/0765326477/
Another one that might be interesting is “Alien Diplomacy” by Gini Koch:
http://www.amazon.com/Alien-Diplomacy-Novels-Gini-Koch/dp/0756407168/
Ever since I saw this cover http://img834.imageshack.us/img834/8931/kdwentworthblackonblack.jpg I’ve wanted someone to try to emulate it.
Or to explain what even.
Either way, I’m good.
My vote is for “The Wanderer” by Fritz Leiber!!!
http://sciencefictionruminations.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/bad-sci-fi-cover.png
Discount Armageddon: An Incrytid Novel by Seanan McGuire
http://www.amazon.com/Discount-Armageddon-InCryptid-Incryptid-Novels/dp/0756407133/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1355951040&sr=8-1&keywords=discount+armageddon
I think you should give your back a rest after the last lot! Try doing the Fire Dragon by Katharine Kerr. http://www.amazon.co.uk/Fire-Dragon-Mage/dp/0006482619/ref=sr_1_15?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1355952159&sr=1-15
You can put your hip out instead! Lol.
Also, I’m curious if you can find a very flimsy gauze dress and a dragon to fight! (Because those two things obviously go together, right?)
It’s only a silhouette, but it would interesting to see someone attempt the pose on the cover of “A Modern Witch” by Debora Geary
http://www.amazon.com/Modern-Witch-Book/dp/1937041034/
From the latest Bujold, particularly the woman on the couch: http://www.goodreads.com/book/photo/16130322-captain-vorpatril-s-alliance
::Stares::
I think I’ve got a different one I want to use for Scalzi, but that’s going on my list for the sheer WTFery of that pose.
I’m so glad you posted this. The cover’s unbelievable, like someone read the synopsis and decided to set up the characters as the shallowest caricatures of themselves.
How about this classic torso twister on the cover of “Tangled Threads” by Jennifer Estep
http://www.amazon.com/Tangled-Threads-Elemental-Assassin-Book/dp/1439192634/
Apparently, the character’s boobs and butt are much more important than her face which has been cut off.
Good call on Tangled Threads there Zhi Zhu! I don’t think I’ve seen a purer example of the execrable way women in urban fantasy are sexualized and de-personalized. I mean at least most give you a decent face while contorting their heroine into a Gumby-esque shape to simultaneously display their tits and ass (with a preference for some good leg, shoulder, and cleavage views mixed in too).
*Sorry for double-posting. The original decided to go in-line rather than as a reply*
Seeing men re-create almost any of the old “Red Sonja” cover art would be interesting to say the least. (Okay, I really just want to see Scalzi in a chainmaille bikini. He could add jingle bells to make it Christmas-y.
)
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lfJlG3meZ68/TiWE1tvAsBI/AAAAAAAAAek/2jWaAF9VVEA/s1600/red-sonja-chainmail-bikini.jpg
http://www.amazon.com/Art-Of-Red-Sonja-HC/dp/1606900668/
http://www.amazon.com/Adventures-Red-Sonja-Vol-Marvel/dp/1933305126/
Looking for covers was surprisingly fun, and testing them for difficulty was even more enjoyable. My shortlist was around 10-12 books long, and I’ve cut it down to the four that caused the greatest discomfort:
Edith Layton’s Surrender to Love: http://www.amazon.com/Surrender-Love-Edith-Layton/dp/images/0451159128
A new cover of Kelley Armstrong’s Bitten: http://li8htnin8bookfiend.blogspot.co.nz/2012/02/kelley-armstrong.html
Suzy Turner’s December: http://www.amazon.com/December-Moon-Raven-Saga-Part/dp/9899734837/ref=sr_1_162?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1355959570&sr=1-162&keywords=witch
This pose cannot be done unless you cheat and lean on something. I managed a decent amount of success bracing my knee on the bathtub. Also, it’s aimed at children and young adults.
Nick Pollota’s Gentlemen Prefer Witches: http://www.amazon.com/Gentlemen-Prefer-Witches-Fantasy-Pollotta/dp/1771150300/ref=sr_1_57?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1355959089&sr=1-57&keywords=witch#reader_B007XJ6ZDC
This one will require tiptoes/very high heels to get the full impact across I suspect.
After all that I feel incredibly well stretched out now, I normally have at least moderate backpain, but now I’m down to a dull ache from all the twisting and turning, so thanks Jim for providing me with some fast and effective pain relief.
How about the *back* cover of Captain Vorpatril’s Alliance? Which has not only odd contortions (where is that leg coming from?) but gratuitous undress. None of which has anything to do with what happens in the book.
Added bonus, you two could get your wives involved sitting there in place of Ivan. Paint one of the kids blue.
http://a3.ec-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/60/68af2a9f9e4c4f7cb92e8c80ce438044/l.jpg
I have heard rumors this might be the front cover of the Trade Paperback. I hope that is a very false rumor.
OK, granted, these aren’t nearly as interesting as some of the others people have posted, but…
Under the Gun by Hannah Jayne
http://www.amazon.com/Under-Gun-Underworld-Detection-Agency/dp/0758281102/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1355968165&sr=1-1&keywords=under+the+gun
The Queen is Dead…Long May She Reign by Kate Locke
http://www.amazon.com/The-Queen-Dead-Immortal-Empire/dp/0316196134/ref=pd_sim_b_2
Crossed by Ally Condie
http://www.amazon.com/Crossed-Ally-Condie/dp/0525423656/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1355968013&sr=1-1&keywords=crossed
Blood Trade: A Jane Yellowrock Novel
http://www.amazon.com/Blood-Trade-Jane-Yellowrock-Novel/dp/0451465067/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_z
Of these, I think Crossed might require the most balance since she’s on the tips of her toes, basically, and then there’s the added coolness of miming being in the sphere.
Good luck, and may the chiropractors be with you.
Tangled Threads by Jennifer Estep
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/tangled-threads-jennifer-estep/1100365744?ean=9781439192634
Venom by Jennifer Estep
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/venom-jennifer-estep/1100364571?ean=9781439148013
Phoenix Rising by Pip Ballantine
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/phoenix-rising-pip-ballantine/1100394100?ean=9780062049766
Just realized a positive side effect to all of this.. There are a lot of good books, cover aside, on these lists for people to check out
Everybody wins!
Except my spine.
Great covers to choose from! I don’t, however, see any that are Christmas-themed yet. How about Kidnapped for Christmas by Evangeline Anderson? http://www.amazon.com/Kidnapped-for-Christmas-ebook/dp/B00311JTYS/ref=sr_1_283?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1356107098&sr=1-283&keywords=christmas#_
Oh dear…
I think the plan was for us to make it Christmas themed, in whatever way we decided to go with.